I am so sorry for being silent
I know that I have been very quiet on the writing and blogging front the last few months. I have started 5 posts about various subjects and I haven't completed any. This has been happening for a number of months and it's a fair reflection of how I have been plodding along. While I have enjoyed gaining more work hours (4 days a week) the timing happened when I restarted my study. I had already enrolled etc. and begun the first trimester when I was seconded to a new role. I was actually looking forward to restarting my study. I had one more prerequisite course to do and then it was into the psychology papers. I had started on a novel during January/February and I was hoping to complete this too, but prioritise the study before a creative project. I have my website to finish updating and also blogs to write. I also now gained two athletes to coach triathlon. Amongst most of this was my housing problem. I am happy to say I have found a flat now and for the most part it is great. My flatmate went overseas for 2 months the day I moved in so I haven't had anyone there since I arrived. While the space and alone time is great and I have none of feelings of overstaying my welcome that I had while I was being helped out at a friend's place, it does at times get very lonely. All of these factors combined led me to a feeling over being overwhelmed, and constantly feeling I was starting to unravel in private. I hid this all pretty well but a couple of weeks ago, it all became too much.
I have considered a lot about what was the purpose of my study was achieving, and what was it exactly I really wanted to be doing. I couldn't work on my novel writing or my website when I had study to do. I stumbled through the first 2 assignments, I lost any drive to do the course reading and I just got extension after extension just to do the assignments. It was extremely energy sapping. The upshot ended up being I was so mentally overloaded with that stress, I didn't do any writing or study at all. This lead me deciding I would resign my studying and focus on projects that I wanted to do. I had come to realise that when I decided to study psychology, I was a different person. I had this desire to help people find their true selves and become a counsellor, focussing on gender identity. I was projecting myself into a role that I thought was right, at the time. The longer I have been able to live my authentic life, the more accustomed to the day to day things, the less this drive to counsel people individually has become. I am still fascinated by the human mental capabilities, but studying it to a timetable for a peace of paper so I can put something on a CV is just not a driver for me. It's not that I am not capable. My marks have all been very good, even when I half-assed it, or when I was really struggling in 2016. I just don't have the desire to do it. And resigning has lifted the lid of the pressure cooker I put myself in.
This will allow me to work on my passion projects and make significant changes in my lifestyle. One of my big passion projects is my novel and through this story telling, I feel I could help a wider range of people that I wouldn't of necessarily reach or help by being a counsellor, and help educate supporters and outsiders. This is where I really believe I can make a difference. I have always been a creative person, but I rarely do anything than a sporadic burst of work like sketches and drawings. I have taken a lot of information for my learnings already, so what I have studied is not lost. It definitely influences my work, my writing and how I think. Plus it has given me a deeper insight to how I tick. I know I have said this before, I need to tell you again. I am an internal perfectionist. Being an internal perfectionist, if I don't believe I can accomplish something to a high standard, I really have a problem beginning or finishing the task. It is not easy feeling all this energy be syphoned away from a project. While always striving to take the good to great, it also leads to severe procrastination, it then leads to anxiety and depression. Figuring out what to do and how to combat my barriers is what I need to worry about. I don't need to constantly battle the fog of procrastination.
At work we did the Clifton Strengths test in order to give ourselves a better understanding on each other's strengths, and how to use each other's strength to achieve higher outcomes. I now have a better understanding why at times I am focussed, off on a different tangent, too big picture thinking etc. I am learning to accept myself and find peace with the more understanding of myself I have. I have begun to realize how to leverage my strengths, and to embrace them. I also know when I am going off track with some of my thought processes. For me, it's ok for my attention to shift focus from one project to another. It is something for me to embrace and not freak out about when I am not ticking off the boxes I think I have have to tick to stay on track. My path is wobbly, not straight, and that is ok.
For now, I feel my writing enthusiasm coming back, so look out for some more blog post coming soon, and hopefully my updated website.