Covid-19 struggles
Covid-19 lockdown has been a trying time, but it has also brought opportunities along that I wouldn't have had. The 7 1/2 weeks that have gone by have been reasonably quick, because I have been able to pass the time in mostly a productive way. I have been practicing my drawing and now I am finally able to do the quality of drawings I have always wished I could have. And this brings me back to my procrastination issue which stems from my internal perfectionism. For years I haven't worked on my drawing, even though I wanted to draw at a higher quality. I was never happy enough with my end results, so why bother even starting if I would never be happy with the results. That has always been my internal dialogue.
What started out on New Year's day as a way to avoid being depressed and avoid the feeling of loneliness, I turned on Netflix and sat in front of a YouTube tutorial and begun. I have done few more tutorials and my drawings have improved to a point I have had a couple of friends ask if I could draw them something. Up until now, I had only ever drawn for my own pleasure and escape. Yes I put my drawings on Instagram and Facebook. Yes I need reassurance that I have som drawing talent and ability, but for other people to value my drawings is very humbling. But it is also taking my focus away on other areas of my creativity, like writing my novel, or finishing my website upgrade. Am I just hiding myself away from hard work? Am I avoiding some of the tedious tasks I know I must complete? Have I lost inspiration for writing? Or am I protecting myself through this challenging time with a distraction that I have found enjoyable until I get bored of drawing and move onto the next thing?
If I was to think long and hard on this, reflect on what I have learned about myself in the past 2 years, I'd say this is fairly typical behaviour of my manic personality. I get fully immersed into something, to the detriment of other tasks I need to complete or put some energy into. Is this a problem, or is it just a thing I do? Is it a limiter or is it something I can embrace and use it to my advantage? I'd like to think it is something I can use to leverage into my avantage. But how do I do this productively? Knowing what I know, I do struggle to fit into the institutional and patriarcal mould that exists in the modern world. I am a kinesthetic learner and I have a big picture, futuristic view of everything. The way I see things, think and work does not typically fit in the working world of today. Repetition and monotomous tasks bore me very quickly. Even things I am passionate about, over time become boring. I have had jobs where I thought I could establish a long term career in, ended up boring me after a couple of years. But now I know this about myself. I spent nearly 30 years trying to figure out what career I wanted to do. How to fit into the working world and become successful in it. The traditional working world is not something that is set up for someone like me.
It's built on a system that is heavily influenced from the typical European model of being taught to think like the people who have money, power and influence, to become a replication of those who came before you. And to be successful, you must follow the rules that have been put in place to maintain the patriarchy and not to change the system. You might be able to influence a slightly wider pool of excluded people in your lifetime, but do not think for one minute you can create wholesale change to embrace those who are excluded in the current system. Not only do I not see that world that way, or think in this conservative and controlled way, I am also a transgender woman. On this system of hierarchy, I am a long way down the list of privilege. I have white, middle class male privilege once, and I never fully realised what it was. But I no longer have that lucky gift of privilege I was born into.
So that is how I see the world. I always tried and tried to fit into a world I knew I was never really a part of. Being a free spirit, a flamboyant creative thinker, living in a world where I couldn't be the girl and woman I knew was inside me. I tried to work within the world that I was told I needed to exist in. Being told I had to believe a religion that could not answer any of my questions except with "you need to have faith". Being told at school I needed a career. To be a robot in the world of control and monotony. And looking backwards, I am totally surprised I survived. Long enough to get to this point. To be Serah, be true, being me fully, openly and being happy with who I am. But what does this mean going forward?
To be honest, I have no idea. I don't know what the job market is going to do post Covid-19. The jobs currently on the market is limited, and now there is a lot more competition than there was 2 months ago. For someone with no formal education or traditional work history, it was hard enough to get interviews. Now it feels like I am completely fucked in the new job market. I have absolutely no clue how to move forward. Who knows, maybe I might get lucky and finish writing my novel and it becomes successful! But then again, I won't if I never get it finished. Maybe I could be a transition advisor. Someone to help those transitioning from one gender to another and their family. You know, advise the family what it is that the person needs from their support system. Maybe I could actually get money to draw! But then would it end up feeling like a tedious job and I lose interest in it? Or maybe I get a regular, soul destroying job that makes me feel trapped and depression overwhelms me.
But for now, I'll be burying my head in drawing until that bores me and then I'll move onto something else until I get bored of that. AT least it's keeping me happy.
Kia ataahua, kia mīharo.
