How to help someone going through transitioning - Coming out stages

I was asked by a friend on what I thought the best way to help someone during transitioning. I will do different guides I feel would help for various stages. I'm no expert and in no way I believe I can talk about how to help the masses, but I feel I can comment on what kind of help I needed and at what stages of my journey that I felt I needed help with. Firstly, it is recognizing that there are so many different stages that we go through as a transgender person, and every person needs something slightly different. Also being aware that transitioning can be a very lonely journey for the most part, especially those that are in an older age bracket. There is a lot of support, information and structures in place for the younger generation, not so much for those of us doing this transition in our middle years. Now let's go into a little more detail.

One thing I do believe that everyone universally wants as a trans person is to be unquestionably accepted for their true identity, without limitations. The people and places that do will be the people and places we will seek out first and foremost, as those will be our safe places. Those places and people that resist accepting us, will be the first to be sacrificed for our own happiness and safety. Coming out to someone is one of the most vulnerable things someone can do. When someone comes out to you, you need to recognize that this person has put a lot of faith, hope and love in you so they can be honest with you. They tell you because they want you in their lives going forward. Show them your support and love, as this is a terrifying moment for them. Being trans, the biggest fear is to be rejected. Those that we care intimately about, we will tell them very early on so we are trusting them, and hoping they will help us.

When someone does comes to you and says they are transgender, be supportive. Ask them by what name they wish you to call them and which are the preferred pronouns they wish to be referred by (he, him, his - she, her, hers - they, them, theirs). This may take a while to make the adjustments, but if you are at least trying, they will appreciate it.

Not every transgender person will want to go into intimate details about any surgeries they may or may not be planning on having. Also, at the early stages of "coming out", these decisions may not yet be decided. Not all transgender people wish to have surgery to alter their genitals. They may not be comfortable discussing this with you either. Do you get asked about your genitals in a normal conversation? I don't think so. Just because the topic of gender identity is on the table, it does not mean you have the right to ask overly intimate questions. You should however ask what subjects your friend/family member does not want to discuss to establish boundaries.

Gender identity IS NOT sexual identity. You wouldn't believe the number of times I get asked about whether I am now into guys when I had one of my coming out discussions while I was still presenting male. I used to just deflect this question with "I don't know. It's too early to know" and I leave it at that. My truth is, I'm pan-sexual, but it isn't a necessary question to ask.

After the coming out stage this is the when they will feel extremely uncertain. They have presented one way to the world up until now and the person they desperately want to be will be bursting to come out. Encourage them to come to visit you at home however they wish to present. Allow them some level of discretion to start with and even offer them to get changed at your place if they aren't comfortable being seen in public yet. Create a safe place for them, one where there is no judgement, only acceptance and support. By helping your friend, they will grow in confidence, feel secure and it will only grow as the person they want to be.

Encourage your friend to go shopping together. Talk to them to find out the style they want to have. Take them to places that you know works for the style they want. You have years of experience, so encourage them. Go to 2nd hand shops, recycling places. If they are tentative, ask what they like, take items to the changing rooms for them to try on with a bit of discretion. After a while, their confidence will grow and pretty soon they will start to shop for themselves.

Help with make up lessons. Most trans females will be fumbling along by using YouTube videos and no guidance. Their choices of colours, shades and application techniques will need assistance. Encourage them, or even gift them a professional makeup lesson. This one act will be one of the most advantageous things a trans woman can do. The right colours and subtle techniques will be something a YouTube video just cannot teach.

And most of all, show love and patience. Transitioning to another gender, and persona, is a journey. Some people will take longer than others. Also they will probably adjust faster than you if you don't have much contact with them for a while. It's not that they don't want your support, they have day to day lives to live, and so do you.