Just because we are both transgender, does not mean I am obligated to be your friend

It seems that some people who have come into my life since I came out a few years ago believe I owe them my loyalty, just because we both happen to be transgender. The fact is, being transgender is not a blood bond, an oath or a promise that I owe you anything. I am writing this from a place of hurt and betrayal again. It feels like it happens far to regularly in my world now. But in actual fact when I reflect through my entire life, this is part of the normal human life in a modern society. We have friends of convenience, circumstances or situation, which are all doomed as soon as that one thing is removed from the equation that is the reason your paths were entwined to begin with. The easiest way to explain what I mean is work friendships. How many times have you changed jobs and those who you thought you would keep in contact with never happened once you left?

Those that have been following on for a while to my story now know that I have really struggled with secure housing for the last five years. I am finally in a house that I know I will be in for a long time. Until the rent goes to an unachievable rate, the house is sold, or I can buy my own house. The house I am in is shared, and this is always going to be a delicate balance of give and take to make the place to run like a home. My goal for this house has always been to have a safe place for queer people who have been struggling to have a secure safe place to call home. I made this fact obvious right from the start, and I also made it clear that I am here for the long haul, for a number of years. This essentially made me the house matron or mum. I have been sharing with another trans-woman (56), and queer cis-male (26) who left after two months because of money issues, and then in came a drag queen (19).

I moved here early October last year, but what I didn't make public was what happened just before I moved. I was exposed to worst xenophobic tirade by my flatmate at the time all because I said I was leaving and tried to explain that I didn't need to be paying any further rent. In actual fact I ended up walking away from the abusive household out of pocket $550 that I will never have a chance of ever seeing again. I tell people that it was the worst that they could imagine, and then I tell them what was said and they are still shocked! It was horrible, but luckily I had an escape. I called my boyfriend who came like Batman in his Batmobile. Two car loads of my stuff and we were out of there. I was fortunate to be able to put my belongings into the empty garage of this place, as the people were moving out that day and over that weekend. But the experience left me extremely fragile and really reluctant to take any kind of authoritative stature in this new place to start with. It allowed this 56 year old 'friend' to tell me how they wanted thing to be done, and what worked for them. I did say at the beginning that I need transparency and some of the ways didn't work for me, mainly because my income didn't permit the luxury of doing the things the way she does things. So like the good diplomat, the mediator, I did my best to work to her routine.

The transparency never came. The house started gain blowflies. I HATE blowflies. The noise flies makes is the perfect tone to drive me insane, and they just creep me out! I need things to be nice. I don't want ice cream containers for rubbish or compost bins. And no matter what I said about any of these problems, nothing I said made any difference. I located the blowfly problem and let everyone know that we could only have 'clean' rubbish inside, or we would have a repeat of our blowfly problem. Again, a handful of days later, the behaviour returned to how they were always doing things. But everything aside, what I thought was a friendship that was built on mutual respect, was in fact me being a last resort for entertainment when she couldn't get a date. Since moving in here, she only cares about her guests and has zero consideration for her housemates. Kitchen is a mess while she disappears for hours to entertain. So if anyone wants to use anything in the kitchen, it's a constant putting leftovers in containers, washing the pans or pots so the next person can use them, along with all the prep utensils. And always a food mess from cooking on the countertop, never wiped up.

I eventually had gotten so fed up and being ignored by constantly asking for simple hygiene and consideration for others, I got upset. I ended up yelling, which I haven't done for five years. Not since my last long term relationship was ending that I had gotten into a confrontation like this. Not even when I was being abused as I mentioned earlier. This is what this so-called friend had reduced me to. An shakes off irritants because they are not worth waking up for, into a fire breathing dragon that only wakes to roar and let the world know how upset they are. But here's the real kicker. This cycle had to happen twice! This person has no awareness of the impact their behaviour has. Has no comprehension about why such simple things make massive differences to how clean the hygienic the house stays. Simple things like, don't cross contaminate meats. Store potent foods from foods that absorb flavor. And wash dishes in HOT water, not warm water. This person is 56 years old, and hand the audacity to say that I am not flexible. I don't compromise! I am 46 years old. I know what I like and don't like. I know what works and what doesn't work. I have earnt that right because of my age. I am not a child. And they were not living with a child. This was a house of adults, not a student squaller with dishes piled on top of pizza boxes, with mice and rats running through the house. No! I will not be reduced to living in a hoarders slum. I am happy to say, she is being replaced by the sweetest trans-man I have had the pleasure of meeting.

Just because you are trans, does not give you an automatic pass on your behaviour. Being transgender does not cure you from being an asshole. Being transgender does not give you the right abuse other people in ways that makes them scared and intimidated. And just because you are also transgender, does not mean you automatically get my trust and loyalty. That goes to good people regardless of sex, gender, identity, colour, race, ethnicity, religion. I have had enough grief and pain in my world to be poisoned by someone who is radioactively toxic. I hate having to be a person I am not because you distort the world I have to exist in to be around you. I have to use every defensive weapon I have, and every protective shield I can find. And that too isolates me to my room, where my depression and anxieties overwhelm me. The paranoia of another confrontation has me essentially paralysed into avoidance. I cannot communicate. I am terrified. And I hate the fact you have this power over me that affects me so ineffective as a person.

If you want to distort my light and fracture it into a spectrum of different faded colours instead of focussing it into a single bright beam, then you and me will not be friends. I need to feel whole. I need to be part of a unified network working together.

And with that, I will leave this be. I have vented. I have ranted. I have purged. Please forgive me.

Kia ataahua, kia mīharo.