How I see my past life, as my own superhero

Everyone's story is different, and in respect, everyone's pain is different. These things are not about keeping score, as to who has suffered the most, who has had darker times, who has had it easier etc. The pain each of feel is very real and very intrusive or destructive on our lives. Whether it is short term or long term, these are our demons we need to work on and find peace or a balance with. I speak to a lot of people who are transgender, and also non-binary people, and just like cisgendered people, everyone is different and everyone's past is different The scars we carry are real and those that still carry their hurt, they seem to lack the empathy do be compassionate to those that have dealt with their pain, or are working on it. I find this difficult in my world as I a a libran, I try to find balance and peace in all areas of my life. I do not like confrontation or turmoil. I acknowledge that I cannot fix everything, but if people are willing to try to work on things, that is more than adequate for me. Those who bluntly refuse, they cause me a lot of distress and anxiety. When the anxiety becomes overwhelming, all I want to do is run. These days I am more aware of these feelings building and attempting at dealing with the issue, but it takes both sides working together to find the peace. When it is one sided, my anxiety is escalated and I all I want to do is hide away from potential conflict, or look for an escape plan.

This leads me onto how I see my past life. The 42 years I spent trying to fit into the male world, the one I was struggling to live in as my assigned gender at birth dictated. Now I cannot talk on behalf of the entire trans community, all I can do is give my opinions, observations and my perception on things. Typically there are 2 categories I see regarding a trans-person's past identity. Those who feel angry or resentment being assigned incorrectly at birth, and those who that do not have that anger or resentment. These are no different to any other form of psychological distress when dealing with one's past. What I have observed in the trans community is that some people hold onto their resentment or pain more fiercely. It is as though it gives them something to own and defend or armour to wear so they do not have to let their pain be revealed. It also gives them something to justify their defensive or disgruntled outlook on people or society. I see their pain and anguish and wish I could do or say something that would help them to start to move forward or to get some help to begin to heal. I do not enjoy seeing someone in pain or suffering and my nature is to try to help. I am no expert at this procedure at all and I do not claim to have any answers. While we all have our own stories, our own past and our hidden hurts, we all need be considerate of those around us. Just like the masses, how we project our energy/aura out to the world, that tends to be reflected back to us. Those that project their resentment out there should also be ready for that same animosity to come back at them. If we can remember to treat other people the way we want them to treat ourselves, we will find that there is less drama in our world.

The people who have peace with their past self, they tend to thrive in their new existence. Those that are battling or burying their past self, either put on a false front and pretend everything is ok, or they hide away and become reclusive because it is all too overwhelming. Both groups are very fragile, and something small can set them off emotionally, whether it is a breakdown into depression and a lot of tears, or an outburst and aggression. Both reactions are a response to unresolved issues that need to be addressed for themselves and those that are near them. Personally I really struggle with the two extremes. I am not perfect and I also have a range of emotion which goes both up and down, but through my learnings, medications and education I have a lot more balance in my life. I am a lot less volatile, calmer, and more even when it comes to my dark times. I tend to be down far less and shorter than I ever used to be. This plays a massive part on my overall outlook on the world. Now back to how I see my past life.

I have told many stories of what I used to do, who I was and what I did so no need to bore you with those once again. I brief, I knew something wasn't quite right in my world, and I also always felt I had a twin sister that I was missing. The thing is, no one really wants to talk to me about my childhood, adolescence, teenagehood, young adulthood etc unless I force the narrative. I do not regret much in my past life. The 42 years I spent living a male life wasn't that bad in the scheme of things. While I searched for who I truly am I had some amazing adventures, travels, experiences and memories. Each of these experiences contribute to the woman I am now. I can honestly say that without the help of my male persona, I would not be here today. His name was Warren. Not a name that I ever felt that was truly me. A translation of that name is "Warrior" or "Defender". Looking back, that name was very fitting for his role in my life. He definitely played that role exactly right. He defended me, protected me, fought for me while I was struggling to shine through. To me, Warren is my own personal "Superhero" or "Guardian Angel". I look back at the photos from my past life and I struggle to see myself in those pictures, but I have the memories. But what I do see in each of those photos is a massive amount of love and respect for someone who fought for my safety and protected me until it was my time.

I do refer my past life in a third person context because it was Warren's life, not my life as Serah. Yes we are one, and I have separation in the two lives because they are so different. I love the stories I have and the lines are blurred somewhat in my memory. I do not really see the experiences I had as male and female independently, it was just me in a situation or in an environment. I do not feel anger or pain. I do not feel my life started when I learned the truth and who I am some 30 months ago. I have no animosity towards my past and I hope that others find their way to a similar point in their lives. Those that are in pain, remember if you want to be treated with kindness and respect, you first must show it before it can be reflected to you. Your actions have a direct influence on how the world will treat you. I am here for you if you want to talk. I will listen and I will offer support, an opinion or advice, but I will not be your victim or your target. That is when my own personal superhero will start to look out for me. That's when Warren will tell me how to stay safe. He is always watching out for me, defending me, being the warrior. I love Warren and I miss him at times. We are not the same person, but we are one. I hope you all can find some peace and can see yourselves as beautiful people.