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What's it like to date as a transgender female


I know there are a lot of articles and posts about tips for dating as a trans person, or dating a trans person. All I can comment on is my experiences dating as a trans woman.

Firstly, to some people whom I have known for many years, I will be discussing my sexuality for the first time. I know many have questioned me on my sexuality when I told them I was trans, and I gave vague answers. I fobbed them off with an "I don't really know". It wasn't the crucial conversation then. My gender identity was the conversation that was needed to be had. A lot of people do not understand that gender identity and sexual identity are 2 completely different things. Gender identity is who you identify as a person and where you fit on the gender scale from extreme masculine male to extreme opposite being that of an ultra feminine female, and anywhere in the middle. Even those definitions fluctuate as my person definition of what is a masculine male and ultra feminine female differs from you. Sexuality is totally independent, being who you are attracted to, and who you are not.

So for starters, I consider myself pansexual and that means I am attracted to the person, not their genitalia. I am more than bisexual, which is defined as attraction to both the male and female forms, but not necessarily to those of us that are the "hybrids" of the binary world. I still love the male and female forms, and I still envy or covet the female form. I think it is the most beautiful thing on the planet. Even though I am pansexual, I have found that I do have my own criteria within that spectrum of who I prefer too. I am also polyamorous at this stage of my life. While up until a little over 3 years ago, I'd never had more than one sexual partner at a time, nor more than one relationship at a time, the freedom of not having to have so much invested in one person is kind of liberating. Having multiple people to share my life with intimately is really nice. I don't have to wear one person down with all my frustrations, problems and annoyances, the load is shared among a few. To some the doctrine of monogamy is the only way to live, but how many of us have had times when we have either separated from our partners, or wished we'd had someone else instead of our partners. I know my upbringing wasn't the smoothest, and there were times I wished my parents would have separated (sorry mum and dad). I may always feel this way, but for now, it is the best course for me.

So what's it like to date as a transgender female? I cannot say I am an expert in dating, but I can comment on my experiences. Ever since I put myself out there in the dating world, I have attracted the typical stereotype attention from guys who want to fulfill a fantasy, and I guess I always will. That is unfortunately always going to happen if I put myself out there as a trans female. And believe me, there are some complete weirdo's out their that think I will do everything that they watch on porn. From the many trans women I do know, the well adjusted ones just don't want to top. They want to be a lady, a girl, a princess and to be treated like one. The ones with built up anger still feel they need to punish someone so they are more than happy to play that role for them. But I am a bit of a princess. I like nice things and I like nice people who treat people with respect. I also have this need to feel small and feminine.

For most of my adult life I have always been quite a bit taller and bigger than my partners. I have been put into positions to be the instigator of intimacy, a role I could never ever get comfortable with. I also struggled a lot with my sexual identity for years. I knew I was attracted to men, but I never had the opportunity or in a situation to act upon those buried desires. Since coming out as Serah publicly, that gave me the freedom to have those experiences without any of those barriers in place. So those that are reading and wondering, yes I have had sex with men, trans and women. Currently I find it hard to be with someone who is quite a bit smaller than myself. I feel large and less feminine than with someone around my height or taller. To be held close, encased in an embrace that makes me feel small is the most unbelievable thing for me at the moment. This is what makes me happy, secure and feel feminine. But I do still have quite a few hang ups when I come to date.

I say straight away I'm trans. Do I do this as a defense mechanism so I already feel I have some control? Do I as it so I don't get the anger if someone feels I betray their trust if I don't? Is it a "get out of jail free" card that I can use to abort anything I don't like? Another thing is my appearance. I get a lot of comments regarding how I look. How feminine I look. How natural I look. While all these are wonderful and I love everyone who tells me, I have this paranoia that I do not. I struggle to do anything without makeup, and even then, I see all the imperfections and not the positives. I am ultra sensitive with my facial regrowth. I cannot not see the grey under my foundation around my mouth. I also feel like I cannot do this very well without wearing my glasses. I feel I am more able to be outed as trans when not wearing my glasses and somehow doing a Clark Kent keeps me safe. I think that paranoia won't fade anytime soon.

So if I get through all of that above, and I end up waking up next to someone, what will their reaction to me when they see me without my makeup, with some stubble. Me at my most vulnerable, my most paranoid? I know most people have a similar fear of the morning after. Will they still like me, will they regret what they did last night, is this just a one nighter? All of those things. Now add on, do they still see me as female, was it just a bucket list fantasy? Do they see me as a real person or just a porn fantasy fulfilled? With these additional layers on top of normal dating fears, I have had some good dates, and I have have some bad dates. We all have. But for now, I am happy how things have been going for me. I have set my standards, my boundaries and I say a lot of no's before I say even 1 yes! So if someone gets a yes from me, they are very lucky indeed.

Stay Beautiful and Be Amazing - Serah Sutherland


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