Looking back to look forward - money troubles

I have been struggling to be in the moment. I am constantly looking at things in the distant future. I see, plan, dream of things that seem unattainable in this moment. The more I look ahead, the more it can become too daunting and overwhelming. The feeling of helplessness seems to creep in and procrastinating seep through the cracks of my defenses. I know I am in a much better place at the moment, but I want more. I cannot help it. I have crazy wild dreams about how I could make things better for those that follow, places I want to visit, and goals for myself. When I take stock of where I am right now, I feel split. Part of me is struggling with my current reality. The other part is extremely grateful. The part that is struggling is the one who is hiding from debt collectors phone calls. The one who feels like they are bouncing from house to house every few months. The one who's bill's seem to be out of proportion to my income. I have not shared my financial struggles before, and I have tried not to go into the details, but it's about time to purge some of the emotions I have linked to this information I hide from the world.

In early 2015, I separated from my partner of 11 years. I knew I had to leave when my anxiety attacks became so bad when she would come home. I was so scared of the arguments, the problems, and the bullshit games she was playing. I know there is always two sides to every story, and it's now been 4 1/2 years since we separated and I have no idea what bullshit she's been saying in that time. When we separated, I got completely screwed over by her and her lawyer. We had a joint mortgage, and she always said I would get what I contributed to the house if and when we separated. The fact is, I got nothing. After paying and doing floor repairs, when someone thought it was a great idea to rip up some lino, only to find rotted floor underneath. Painting the roof, and a bunch of other things I contributed to. I did however get left with the debt with the trip we took to Edmonton in 2014. She knew I couldn't really afford a lawyer so they completely screwed me out of everything. Instead of something, I got less than nothing. Roughly $12k debt instead of the few years of paying a joint mortgage, which I was only after my contribution.

Through the back half of 2015, I managed to maintain my bills, but never really able to catch up. I foolishly helped a friend out with a cellphone who basically paid nothing, so that went to debt collectors. Another $2k. Through 2016, I juggled my credit cards and stayed afloat. Not paying anything off, and also paying for the psychiatrist, medical costs etc as I worked through my depression, anxieties and gender identity questions and realisations. Being in a mental hole, I was basically homeless and felt extremely helpless. With a bit of help from some good people, I was given some shelter, a room for a few weeks, a house sit here and there, until my friend returned from her European trip and we could get a flat together. I sold basically anythings that had any substantial size and/or value for rent deposits and bond and still basically hovering financially around the same area. Things were ok, not really in a desperate state, but a similar position to others I knew. At this time, I was earning around $60k/yr.

Once the 2016/17 Christmas/new year period came and went, I had spent 2 weeks not having to be 2 people. I was free to be just Serah, and I knew 2017 was going to be hard emotionally until I could get to my target date I had set of September 1. For those who have been reading my journey, you all know how my work environment changed and I was basically put in a situation where I was always going to fail. Once I told my boss that I was transitioning, all the support I once got evaporated. I was isolated, and I certainly was not encouraged to be forthcoming. In fact, it felt as though I had to do everything to avoid the subject, I couldn't celebrate anything that year. When they fired me at the beginning of August, I had a brief period of euphoria, then this massive dread set in. This realisation I had zero credentials, references or validation of my some 25 years of work history. Depression really hit me hard. And with no income, my bills became impossible. I wasn't eligible for a benefit due to my holiday payout. From the beginning of September 2017, I have accumulated more debt, to the point I have almost $30k at debt collectors. I have also jumped around 9 different places to sleep and put my stuff. But it's not all doom and gloom!

While I did get fired August 2017, that basically gave me a defined bit of closure in my world on that old life. It took me nearly 15 months (October 2018) to get any type of income, even though it was 16 hours per week, and $9 per week less than the medical benefit I was up on. March 2019, I moved to 32 hours per week and bit more money. I am currently earning about half of what I was up until I was fired, so money is a struggle. While money is not a big driver in my world, it's still something everyone needs to get by these days. But like I said, it's not all doom and gloom. I am free to be me. No apologies, no permission, no excuses, just me. 100% of the time.

Before I committed to making my transition, I was asked to write a contemplation list and all the pros and cons list. Rereading them, I have basically everything on all the lists I wrote back in to 2016. What exactly was I prepared to lose to be 100% authentically me? I figured I would lose my job, a lot of friends, maybe family, credit rating, and any form of security that came with having a reasonable job. All of these things basically happened as I thought they might, but I also put a note on there that I thought it would take around 5 years for me to get where I thought I should be. I have just gone past 3 years, so I am doing pretty good when I look back at what I wrote and wanted. I turn 46 next week and as I look at other people in my world, they have houses, family, businesses etc, but I can't help wondering if they are happy with themselves. Do they just go through the motions because that is what is expected of them. How many are still figuring out exactly who they are?

I know who I am. I have my struggles. I love who I am. I am happy!

Kia ataahua, kia mīhro