Surviving December and moving into the 2020's.

To be completely honest, I have been avoiding being as open and honest as I once was. It's not because I am afraid to share my stories, it's because I don't particularly feel that I have as much to talk about as I once did. In fact, my life is about being fairly normal these days. I am living the life I wanted a couple of years ago. Going to work, living 24/7, and just being me in all areas, in other words, I have found my new normal. In saying that, I have struggled, and I am struggling. It's not all the same demons, or most of my old demons, but a couple are still lingering around that I cannot shake. I still suffer depression, body dysmorphia, confidence issues, procrastination, loneliness, probably some form of ADD, and anxiety problems. All of which I have and am living with constantly. Some worse than others at various times, but occasionally, nearly all of them at the same time. And that is what happened in December.

December was really hard for me. I had a number of nights just crying as it got closer to the 25th. I'm not into the Christmas thing these days, and it's a bit of a shame and sad. For the 10+ years, I have had my Christmas Eve movie traditions. This time, I had zero appetite for this tradition. Also as everyone was getting excited about the prospect of spending time with family and decorating, the knowledge I have gained along with my own beliefs, I cannot get involved in the celebration in something I do not believe in. No matter what the intended message is, the history is factual. On top of my beliefs, my family did not attempt to make contact with me since my birthday. That's 3 entire months. Before that, not much. New Years I spent alone watching Netflix and doing a drawing tutorial on Youtube. The last time I was around them, their words and actions caused me a lot of pain and hurt. And to be brutally honest, my family are terrible at communication. I am at the point now where I feel I want to call them out on just how useless they are.

Growing up, we were hardly ever told that we were loved. Neither parent could say "I love you" and the only times it was said, was while intoxicated, so it had zero sincerity. There has been a lot of other information over my many years of being alive that I have either been told by my extended family or accidentally overheard when they were talking to someone outside the family. I have never been told that as a teenage, my younger brother nearly died, not until his funeral 6 1/2 years ago. That was some 26 years I was never told this. Also I have overheard my mum telling her sister about 20 years ago she had a miscarriage before me, of a daughter. While I can understand how painful these things are in people's lives, these things have effects on other people. I have recently learnt that through the 1970's when a woman had a miscarriage, they were given high dose estrogen pills (DES) and an unborn male foetus exposed to this super estrogen, possible with have feminine traits (DES Exposure). This is one of multiple possibilities for my gender dysphoria, but i believe this is the most likely scenario for me. So my unborn older sister gave me a gift. Part of her is part of me, and it's why I always felt her by my side throughout my entire life.

Knowing this information has given me some peace in my world. No thanks to the input from my family. All these things, plus everything else I have written and shared, I have had to figure out all by myself. My family are like strangers to me. I may not have been close to them, but they gave me no reason to be close to them. Now they make no effort to be close. I am at the stage I almost accept that I am an orphan. I get close to no support, I get made to feel like absolute crap around them, and I am over it. Statistically, I am into the 2nd half of my life, and like hell I am going to let their incapacity to love, share and talk hold me back from being the best person I can be. I can no longer be an inconvenience in their world's.

While I have friends and a couple of closer people in my life whom I love unconditionally, this other birth family makes me feel hurt, angry, upset and worst of all, they make me feel alone. I miss my younger brother and I wonder if we would be close now, or still be estranged as we were for many many years before he died. These other people still exist on this planet, at the same time in history as I do, and they were once a part of my world. Unless something changes, they will disappear from my life. I have tried to reach out. I have tried to be a better daughter and sister than I was a brother and son, but the truth is, I am done. I cannot wait for these people to catch up to me. They are holding me back emotionally and spiritually. And when I talk about spirituality, I do not mean religion. To me my spirituality is about aroha mai, aroha atu (paying it forward). Remember those who have helped me in my past, especially when I have been in desperate need of help, and pass the favor on to people who need the help when I am in a position to help them. These people will be my new family going forward. People who are kind, generous, empathetic and show love in many different ways. These are the people I want to be around, so we may all shine brighter together, not fade into darkness and be forgotten. I have many dreams still and the 2020's is the decade for great things to happen for me!

While I am being a bit vague regarding things I want to achieve and make happen, everything has a time and place for me to talk about. Through 2020, I intend to write more. I will finish my website change over, I will continue writing my novel, and I will embrace opportunities that come my way.

Kia, ataahua, kia mīharo.