My own spiritually and the abyss it sits in

My workplace is awesome. My job is awesome. The value in my job satisfaction is awesome. Today, as I write this post, through one of works education programs, I was enriched with another extremely valuable lesson on New Zealand history and our founding documents. And for those who are unaware, there are more than one document.

The first document, "The Declaration of Independence" for the United Tribes of Aotearoa was signed on 23rd October 1835. But wait, I hear some of you say. Isn't the Treaty of Wāitangi our founding document. Well truth be told, it's the 3rd document, and the "Treaty of Wāitangi" was signed in May 1840. Hang on, agai I hear some of you say. What about the 7th of February 1840? Well, that was when the Te Tiriti o Wāitangi was read and signed by the gathered chiefs and heads of tribes that were gathered at Waitangi, and not the translated English version that is referred to as "The Treaty of Wāitangi". Maori were not read, and did not sign, nor agree to the English variation of this Te Tiriti o Wāitangi. It was again translated in 1980 which again Māori did not sign. So what does it all mean? Well it means time to do your research and time to understand the complexities of the narrative of these documents, their true intent, and it just may change your perspective and views on things.

Another invaluable lesson I have taken away, is the spiritual nature of what it truly means to be Māori. My takeaway is that Māori have a deep spiritual connection to nature, to the land, to their people, and are extremely gracious and hospitable people. It really got me to take a deeper look at myself, my genealogy, my lineage, and my own spirituality. I know I have said it a number of times, me and religion had a parting of ways at a very early age. I think it was around 9 or 10 years old. I guess it was the way my questions were answered with "because it says so in the bible" or "you just have to have faith". To an overly curious mind, and one that needed their answers to give a reasonable, rational or logical answers to difficult questions, the answers did not come. The older I got, the more disillusioned I became with religion and the religious institutes. I have strong thoughts about the damage, atrocities and devastation religion has played in human history. Heroes and heroic stories are made out of conquerors or liberators, when all they did commit mass murders an/or genocide. And for what. More riches and more power? I could really rant and rant here, but I won't. I wanted to really look within myself.

I was asked a couple of questions and it really got me thinking about my personal spiritually. But first I need to tell a small story. I had spirituality explained to me in a context I could relate to by a Spiritual Worker at work. She told a story of a man who refused to talk to her because of his predetermined idea was she was there to convert him to God. A few days later she entered his room and said "I hear you were an engineer". He then welcome her in and they had a long chat about his work, his legacy and his projects. To hime, those things gave his life purpose, meaning, joy and a legacy. His work and creations were part of his spiritual makeup.

My genealogy is, I am a 3rd generation New Zealand born European settler. The Māori word is Pākehā. I was born in this land. I am not a migrant, a Tauiwi. Going back further, both my parents mothers were born in New Zealand, but their fathers were born in England. I have Scottish (Sutherland), English (England), French (Parson) and Polish/German (Zimmerman) heritage. But what does this mean to me spiritually. I have no religion, and I class myself as agnostic. I also don't have the strongest connection to family like other people. I was always a lone wolf in my family. I felt like I was left to fend for myself, especially emotionally. I feel like I wasn't nurtured to have this strong family value and connection. Growing up with white male privilege, middle class, being blonde haired, I felt I optimized the stereotypical Pākehā profile. I felt, and still feel to some extent, this inherited guilt of what my predecessors did when they came to New Zealand and settle here. Now to be fair, the original settlers came because of the promises made in the Te Trirti o Wāitangi and Treaty of Wāitangi they were told by The Crown in England. The sales pitch was wrong. By force and colonisation, it still happened to work out for the white settlers. I have inherited guilt, which is different the inherited trauma felt around the world by indigenous people who lost massively to colonisation. I feel that shadow will always follow me, and now I have gained a 2nd shadow. Being a transgender woman brings another silhouette that I cannot shake.

So where am I now. I am lost. Am I also part of a generation that is also lost? Are we the first of a people who feel like we have nowhere that we can really call home? A question I was asked was "where is your special place, where is it you go to really connect with?" I couldn't answer it. And I still can't. I don't feel connected to my childhood home. I don't feel a connection to my parent home. I feel very disconnected. No wonder I struggle with my spirituality.

I have grown massively personally in the past 3 1/2 years. I am the happiest, less depressed, most calm I have ever been at any other period of my life. Is it greedy to want more? Is it selfish to not be satisfied and to need more? Or is it my spirit looking to rest after taking this walk with me to bring me into this world as Serah. Am I looking to fill one of the last few pieces I have left to truly be at peace and to be truly happy? Am I needing to claim my identity as a person to a place, in a time when there is still too much historical trauma that is true to the values of who I am as a person? Or is it ok to be a citizen of the world and not really needing somewhere, or something that truly anchors me? Is sharing my story/s my spirituality manifesting itself in a written forum?

What is you spirituality? Where do you see where you fit in? Where is your spiritual anchor place?