I found my new normal

For the longest time, all I ever wanted to to be able to live fairly normal life as myself. Not having to pretend to be someone else. And for the most part, I have been. It's also probably a big reason I have been so quiet on social media, blogs and possibly even in contact with some people. I have found my new normal. My new normal is just being me. A 45 year old woman going to work, doing things with friends, going out on some dates, and just being in the world as myself. My world sees and accepts me as the woman I want them to see and I get treated that way. Yes, I may still get the odd look and the odd question about my origin story, but I do not get too upset by these. I have evolved into who I was always supposed to be, and my journey to be her has some baggage with it. I know a lot of trans people who are completely obsessed with separating their past selves with their present selves that if anyone hints at asking a question about who they were, their emotions take over and all sorts of destructive demons come to surface.

I have learnt that most people from my past, especially those who I have not seen for many years, are the ones who will need some point of reference on how I fit into their world. This is when a lot of trans people struggle with being "dead-named". For those who don't know what dead-naming is, it is when someone uses your old name instead of your current name. Like I said earlier, it is when someone tries to figure out how you, as an individual, fit into their world. A point of reference. This is when, as a trans person, your emotional responses take over. For some people it invokes pain, hurt, disgust and or anger. You can also make the conscious choice to not let this affect you by accepting it as part of your story. It is not easy I have found for the most part, once someone has that point of reference, they move on pretty quick and only refer to who it is in front of them. They also do not intend to offend, and they are not malicious people. Only someone looking for that point of reference, just like someone who is married, they ask for a maiden name as that point of reference. I acknowledge that these conversations can be exhausting and frustrating, but it is a choice on how you react in these times. You can choose to let it upset you, or you can choose that is doesn't. You have the power on how you react in the moment. Now if someone is deliberately dead-naming to provoke a response, then is a different matter. You cannot cure the world of assholes, and you again have the power to make them not upset you. Do not give someone permission to upset you. That is your choice. Your strength. Your mana.

I used to get upset a lot about being dead-named, or misused pronouns. I also do get that this is easier to do when you are in a secure place regarding your identity, and in a good mental place. It is also a lot easier to do when you don't have an emotional connection with the person. For roughly 95% of the time, I don't really have to deal with this as most of my world only sees and interacts with Serah. It also took me awhile to get to that point of realization and acceptance. It took me even longer to figure out how to verbalize it. I am an analytical or strategic person at times. I enjoy finding connections, and I can see connections where others may not. It is because of this mindset that takes me a while to discover things too. I do need to find my own connections, and once I do, I have this knowledge that empowers me to "Level Up" and to be able to verbalize my emotions and thoughts. The beauty of being at this higher level of self-acceptance, is that my confidence has grown, my work colleagues, friends and family experience the real me. The bubbly, confident woman who embraces a challenge, and also takes a few more risks with speaking in front of groups, and carries herself with pride. A little of one year ago, I was timid, shy and paranoid about my place in this world. Now, I know my place and I am happy.

There are always areas I wish to extend myself into, things I want to do, experiences I wish to have. All of these things, I get to do now as me. It's like going to a 4k definition TV for the first time. The colours ar more vibrant. The edges are sharper. The view is more spectacular. But it's not what you were used to. It takes time for it to become your new normal. Being at peace within yourself, means that some of the stressors that affected you earlier, no longer have the power to inflict hurt upon you. Your shield, your health-bar or hit points, your strength, your armor has also levelled up as you level up. Everytime you feel that you have levelled up in an area of your world, I would love it if you played the audio from YouTube below.