Wow! 2018 is over. What a year!

2018 is now officially over and it's as good of a time to reflect on the last 12 months as ever. A really good thing about having this blog, I can always go back in time and read where I was at a different period of my life. This time 12 months ago I wanted and planned for different things than I was able to obtain. While 2018 didn't go exactly how I hoped, it is a year which has brought about a massive amount of growth and change for myself.

The Christmas/New Year period was a time where I really struggled with loneliness and isolation, and the thought of attending my school reunion in February was something that seemed to paralyze me with fear. Once I calmed down I decided I was going to go, but I also had a backup plan in case I got overwhelmed by the whole experience. The entire experience was absolutely life changing. The acceptance, support, respect and love I received over that weekend was an absolute liberating experience I can never do the occasion the justice it deserves. I was accepted and validated by everyone from my past whom I had feared terribly from my teenage years and memories of being bullied. Everyone changes, matures and mellows as we age, and I will be forever grateful for that weekend in February 2018. I cannot say the right words to do the justice to the gift they all gave me those few days.

About the same time as that weekend I began doing some volunteer work at Mary Potter Hospice in Newtown. I began doing this so I could build up references in order to return to work. I had the goal of returning to paid work and I felt completely inadequate to return to the work environment due to the lack of proper references on my CV. I felt the best way to gain references was to do volunteer work. When I began there, I was shy and nervous. I felt I was pretending or something. I was scared to be who I have become. I had this fear that no one saw Serah and I was desperate to fit into the working world as Serah, not just playing the role of Serah. It took me many months to make the mental shift to accept that the reality is, the world only sees Serah. It no longer matters if I don't do flawless makeup, wear a dress and heels to hide myself behind a mask or facade. I am me, and the world just sees and accepts me. It took until September, but I managed to secure a paid role at Mary Potter Hospice doing administration work which is 3 days a week. It is probably the best work environment I have ever been a part of for a number of different reasons.

Also in February, I started getting into the dating scene somewhat. Having been given the gift of validation etc. from the school reunion, I had this new found confidence and it was liberating as I began to text flirt etc with some potentials. Over time I developed a relationship with someone and it has blossomed into something more than I ever expected to have. He is the most amazing man, generous, caring, patient, understanding and also he get my weird and sometimes dark sense of humor. He has also been very patient and understanding regarding the intimacy, asking what I am/was comfortable with, very respectful as to my limits etc, and also my life and work transition stages. I was really taken away that I was so lucky to have someone like him come into my life, especially when I wasn't really looking for someone to. We both still have our boundaries as to where we want to move to in our lives, but I know this much, he will always be part of my life.

Amongst all the positives, there were some negatives too. I had to put a stop to a friendship that had gotten to the point it felt extremely one sided and detrimental to my own mental health. This friendship felt quite toxic and no matter how much help I felt I gave, I took a lot of crap for not being a good friend. With me, I take a lot of shit, more than most people before I speak up. I tend to talk about my problems to a third person or persons, trying to find a solution to my problems before I crack and have it out with the problematic person. While my intent was only to help this ex-friend, what I was told that I was trying to make them be another version of me which is a snob and a bitch. I hope this person has managed to find some peace and has improved their life, but I cannot be there in the firing line to be the scapegoat when something else goes wrong for them.

The other thing that really became a massive problem towards the end of the year, was the dynamic of the flat I was living at. Living with other people is definitely about learning to find a balance and compromise with each other in order to cohabitate together. When this also becomes a one sided problem, the dynamic is forever shifted and unless both sides want to find that balance together, the problems only ever become worse. I know I am not perfect and I have my faults, but I do listen and I do try to amend myself and behaviours to accommodate someone else as best I can. When I am at fault and it is pointed out, I try to fix it. When someone who is told that how they speak and treat me makes me really uncomfortable and triggers issues from my past, most people would be sympathetic or empathetic to this, or at least pretend to be. They will attempt to amend their behaviours to find a balance and or offer support. When someone just goes stone cold and defiant, saying "Stiff shit, this is how I am, deal with it!", it is hard to continue to be in the same space as that person. As the tension increases, animosity and frustration also increase. You learn from past attempts to talk will only ever be rejected and met with hostility, so you avoid the conflict while smaller and smaller things annoy you more. What is hardest to take, is that this person has told you many times how much they care for you, even love you like a sister. There is usually only one fix. One party has to move out. So that is what I did.

Throughout 2018, I have come to realise that people come and go in your life for a reason and that it may be only for a short time, or a long time. While some will go from your life, they come back later one for a different reason. The ones that tend to offer you some balance, have a give and take philosophy, tend to be in your life for a long time. They are those that tend to feed the energy and light that you have to offer, helping your light glow brighter and stronger. Then there are those that just take and diminish that energy and light. I have also learnt that I also probably don't put my boundaries up early enough with people. I do not give them limits on what I will accept or tolerate, but also let them know when they are making me uncomfortable. My defense mechanisms send false signals as I try to be diplomatic all the time. I don't see that as a fault in my character, it just is part of what makes me me. People may disagree with me, people may misconstrue my intentions and people may misinterpret me, but I know I can hold my head high and know I have kept true to who I am, keeping my personal integrity.

Onwards and upwards for 2019!