November and December Update

It's been a number of weeks since I have written anything. For the most part, life has just been moving forward. I started getting some running in but I got a cough which really flared my asthma, that prevented me getting my heart rate up and lasted about 5 weeks. I have been going to work, and the environment is absolutely fantastic and super supportive. It is exactly what I really needed to re-establish my new life. It is a fresh start, a reset and a great sounding board for things in my future. So I would like to say a big thank you to everyone who has either had my back this year when I've been down, and times have been tough. I also want to say another big thank you for those who have let me stand on their shoulders and push me up so I can find my way again. Everyone, you have made 2018 a massive year for me and it is a starting point for the rest of my life, so bring on 2019!

While most of my life has been very positive, there has been one area that has not been that great. My living situation. While I am extremely grateful for the help and place to stay for the last 13 months, it is time to move on. And being honest with myself, I knew I should have done this before now. A home is not a house, it is the people within it. Once those relationships break down, it either needs to be mended, or something has to change. For, me I need to make a change. I know that I am an easy going person, I absorb more than most just to keep the peace, to have balance. A number of people have said I get run over all the time and always seem to get the raw end of the deal. Those on the other side of the fence tend to misinterpret my intentions of trying to find a compromise and bring some balance back to a situation or environment. I also hate conflict. When the two sides cannot or will not try and work the problem/s out, I do hide away usually because of my anxieties rise dramatically and avoid completely the other side. So that can be very debilitating and then starts to bring on my depression. I am at a point that I can recognise these things, but I still have a lot of issues about confronting the issues.

Over the last 4 - 5 months, the dynamic in our flat has deteriorated to a point where it is more like a hostile than a flat. Everyone has basically avoided each other and we all have stayed in our rooms. I know I have played a role in creating this environment, but I feel the blame has been projected onto me for all the problems. For months one of my flatmates never spoke or interacted with me as someone 15 years older, but more like 15 years younger than them. I was raised as the middle child of 3 and I have issues with someone playing the baby of the family to get their way or people to do something for them. It's even harder for me to wear when a 30 year old does this. I have done a personality test and I am INFP-T, The Mediator, being Diplomatic and always looking for Constant Improvement. So when I am looking for someone to help me sort out an issues, sometimes it is misconstrued as criticism if the other person has a negative or defensive mindset. When I eventually found the courage to speak up, I was met with a defiant attitude and a "this is me, deal with it" response, there was never going to be any negotiation or attempt to bring peace or balance back. It was all over then, and I have been living in fear of backlash, aggression and conflict ever since.

I am old enough, mature enough and wise enough to look at the problem from the outside looking in. Yes I spoke to her friends in order to seek help or a solution to our problem. This was misinterpreted as me "slagging her off to her friends" and calling her "a bully". When confronted with this allegation I told her it was misinterpreted but all she could hear is that I called "her a bully", which in response I said "stop being a bully then". Now this second part happened about 2 months ago, and when my other flatmate got angry over a cellphone game, and completely iced me too, not speaking to me for 2 1/2 weeks, I felt like a prisoner in my own home. My social anxieties at a 9.5 out of 10, confining myself to my room, and not using the kitchen if someone else was there. So it was definitely time to get out. And this is where I am at right now. I have the last of my things to get out of the house tomorrow, and I have beds to sleep in for the next few weeks before I find something more permanent (at the time of writing this, not posting) I have been forced into fixing a problem that was really the only area in my life that was not working for me.

While part of me is sad that these relationships broke down, it has also given me the chance to really look at myself, how I handle situations. Someone pointed out to me that I have problems quitting something until it is too late. Someone completely independent confronted me via a message forum and asked if I love playing the victim. I know I have my limitations, and I have my insecurities, but I have been looking at myself and wondering how I can improve and learn from these breakdowns to be a better version of myself. I am not perfect and I do really well with hiding my pain. But for some, having empathy about my triggers and my scars of my history is something they do not have. It is the behaviour of those people that intimidate me causing me want to avoid them and distance myself from their anger or volatility. For protecting myself from harm, I will not apologise for. And it is ok that I will never get everyone I interact with to like me. My issues are not their issues and vice versa. But respect is a 2 way street. When one side will not respect the other, everything falls apart.