Learning to accept my body the way that it is

I, like most people in a similar situation, have a real problem with body dymorphia (BDD - body dysmopic disorder). "But people who have body BDD think about their real or perceived flaws for hours each day. They can't control their negative thoughts and don't believe people who tell them that they look fine. Their thoughts may cause severe emotional distress and interfere with their daily functioning. They may miss work or school, avoid social situations and isolate themselves, even from family and friends, because they fear others will notice their flaws." (n.d. adaa.org). What does it mean and how does it affect me. Like most people with BDD, as a transperson, I am constantly paranoid with my appearance and how I present to the world. Will I be clocked? Will my clothing decision fail me at the worst possible moment etc. I have written earlier what barriers I have to over just to be able to leave the house (click here). These are all major stressors in my life as I come to terms with my new normal and existence. This also comes under the question of "Why do you need to have surgery when the world sees you as a woman now?"

I do not normally speak about some of the details about myself, but I haven't really kept that much a secret. For the longest time I have been struggling with my anatomy as it currently is, and also the things I cannot change right now. I wish that when I stand in front of the mirror I could see the body of the woman I have pictured in my head, but I do not. I wish my breasts would be larger and fuller than those I have now. As far as the stage of development they are, they seem to be in the tanner 2 stage. I wish my waist tapered in so I can have those curves that are oh so alluring. I wish my butt was round and hips are full. I wish my muscle mass was less and clothes weren't so much of a struggle in the shoulders and arms. Then there's my facial features too. I wish that my brow bone was less prominent, my eyes evened up, my jaw line softened. And the body/facial hair problem! Damn I hate the maintenance of that. The paranoia of my facial regrowth, the feeling of minuscule stubble. Then there is the one last thing that I get asked about, which I wish was already sorted and done already. I wish I had a vagina and not a penis.

I have gotten pretty good at tucking, but really wish I didn't have to. All it does in reinforce my insecurities, and shows me how much further I need to go before I can accept my body and learn to be happy with it. A couple of weeks ago, one of my transgender heroes has recently made a YouTube post and has allowed me become more at peace with the way my body as it is at the moment. She is one of the most stunning people I follow, so feminine, sexy and has an amazing career. I've seen here in many photos wearing the clothes and garments I could only dream of wearing. She has been photographed in underwear, bikinis and on her videos, walks around showing her amazing figure off. She is self made, an activist, a model, and a beacon for those us struggling with our lives and realities. To me she is already one of my heroes and she became more so after revealing the one thing most people really wanted to know. Had she had bottom surgery or not. I for one was absolutely stunned when she revealed she had not. This revelation started to make me question some of my own perceptions about the type of woman I see in the mirror. Everything I mentioned earlier has somewhat calmed down a bit. While I still feel those things, the harshness of those feelings have softened. I have also become to accept things right now for what they are.

Sexually I avoided certain things, but now I am open to experiencing those things as I know that this form of my body has a limited time left. There are a lot of joys to be had in this form which I am depriving myself off due to the BDD I experience. I stand in front of the mirror and I am less inclined to have a negative mindset at my reflection. I am beginning to see the positive things, how my cheeks have begun to fill out. How my butt is more shapely than it used to be, how my boobs are actually boobs and not just muscles. I can see the woman there, whereas previously, I could not. This has been a big shift in my perception and I am beginning to be less afraid, more open to live life fuller and happier. I can accept that the way it is now is not permanent, so don't worry so much about those things that will come to me eventually. Hopefully this keeps my anxieties and depression away from biting me hard. I know it will always be a battle to keep those 2 demons at bay, and one procedure is not a cure all for all my BDD feelings. I also know that no matter how many procedures I end up having, there will be this gap of how I see myself and how I desire to see myself. I am fairly content with the balance I have started to embrace and hope that others too find some peace in their battles with their body dysmorpic disorder.