Things no one told me to expect

It's been a few weeks since I have written anything. I have been busy doing my thing and again narrowly missing out on a job. One will come along soon so I need to keep looking and applying for jobs. I had lost track of a desire I hand over a year ago. I remember wanting a job anywhere that allowed me to be my authentic self, and I lost sight of that along the way. I don't know if I just wasn't ready to return to working, being actively involved in the world, being over working weekends, selling, hustling for sales, not wanting to do something I only did because I was good at it not necessarily wanted to do. Many different things going through my head as I tried to analyse my position etc. I am fortunate and had a couple of seminars of late, which has helped me understand to verbalize what I have been going through. I needed to grieve and find my new normal.

No one ever tells you that you will need time to grieve the loss of your old identity, and worst of all, people don't really get the concept of grieving properly. It's about accepting the loss, making the adjustments, being patient and finding a new normal. I have been grateful that I have had the time to make those adjustments, finding this understanding and insight, which means I am in a much better place than I believe I have ever been in my life. I also need to give those people who have been in my life a long time, and those I don't have much interaction with the time to grieve their loss too, and be patient for them to embrace the new me. There are things that would help too. Being more present in their lives and not being so critical of their failure with the use of the wrong pronouns or name. Having conversations from a place of love and helping them understand, not dictating and making demands that they are struggling to comprehend. There are times when a line has to be drawn in the sand too. If there is flat out refusal and stubbornness of their view point without any effort given, then yes standing my ground and making my view strong and unapologetic is something that will need to be done.

That also leads me onto another thing that no one prepared me for. That is other trans people feeling that they are entitled to many things, like being part of my life in an intimate way, or demand things of me because I am trans too. Firstly, I am just another person on this planet. I am not obligated to anyone just because I am blonde, I am 6' tall, I am 44 years old, I am a bit of a tech geek, I like fashion and makeup, so why the hell do some trans people feel entitled to being in my life? I completely understand the need to find someone who is like a mentor. Damn, I thought I wanted someone as a mentor when I was in my early stages. I was lucky I guess. I had great friends who helped me through this phase, helped me figure out who I really was and how I wanted the world to see me. But these were friendships I had already established. So why do some trans people feel they can now make demands of me when we don't have anything else in common? My personal opinion is that they are desperately seeking validation and seeking it in any form they can get. Another trans who has walked a similar walk should validate them right? Not in my view. Having one similarity does not make someone my obligation to help validate them, let alone let you into my world as a close friend. That is earned over time and because you are a person I want in my life. I believe these types of people are destructive people who haven't done much, if any, mental work. They are angry with the world, society, and resent they weren't born cis (identify as the gender you were assigned at birth) and blame their rejection etc as being discriminated against. Just because someone is trans, and you are being an asshole, you are just an asshole who happens to be trans, and no one is being trans-phobic to you, you are just another asshole. It took many sessions and a lot of time to get a great understanding where my pain came from.

All of the previous things have all been mental, but this next one is physical. I have flirted with a few embarrassing moments while I have been out and about, but nothing will compare to what happened to me a few weeks ago. Throughout the majority of my transition I have been pretty fortunate and haven't been bullied, been openly discriminated against, but there has been some unexpected things happen that I was never prepared for. I pee a hell of a lot more ever since I began taking hormones even without drinking anything. Some days I have had to pee every hour for about 6 hours, other days I'll pee 10 - 15 times a day. No one ever tells you about the incessant need to pee. I have come really close to peeing myself while walking home on many occasions and sometimes I'll have to duck into a bush or somewhere discreet to relieve myself before I get home. Now I don't know if it is the hormones affecting my kidney function, the testosterone blockers expelling more liquid, or the in-discriminant attack on my muscle strength in every part of my body from the hormones. Whatever it is, no one every told me that I would experience this.

Now very quickly, this day started out less than stellar by forgetting my wallet at home. Thank god for Uber and pre-loaded card details, so I could get a ride home and grab my wallet so I could get my haircut. After getting my haircut, I was feeling pretty and pretty damn good and I had to walk through the city to another store before grocery shopping. About halfway there I needed to pee and good old Wellington, there are not a lot of public toilets in the CBD (side note; also NZ shop culture is not having great public toilet facilities in general). I was absolutely busting and knowing I don't do well with this feeling, I scurried to McDonald's and straight for the loos. I got into the cubicle and before I could lift my dress and get my stockings and underwear down, out it came. Here I am, a grown woman, now sitting on the toilet fully clothed, shoes kicked off and dress hitched up, peeing myself. The worst part was having to sit there while 10 people came and left in the cubicle next to me before I could attempt to sort myself out. I sorted myself out the best I could, got some new underwear and carried on with the rest of my errands, almost walking straight into my ex and her new husband, then less than 5 minutes later, nearly walked into someone who was a friend who avoids me like I'm radioactive. Not the best of days ever. Previously all of this happening I would have been so upset and it would have broken me, spent the next couple of days crying and hiding in my room, but I bounced back the next day like it wasn't a big deal at all so I know I am in a much better place than I have been previously.

As I mentioned at the beginning, I have had to find my new normal. I have had to accept the physical and mental changes, the differences and make adjustments just to get to this point in my life. This has not been something that was fast, and I have upset people along the way through my depression, anxieties, doubt and low self-esteem. To all of those who have tried to kick my ass and get me to get a move on, I am sorry it has taken me a while to get here. I understand it now, I get it. I also am not wired the same way as you. I am unique and I have my own way of doing things. I am sorry for the pain and frustration I caused you as one of my friends, and I hope that we are still friends. I still love you for all your help in getting me here. The world is right there for me, and I just need to step back into it.

And I want you all to remember to