Just getting out the door takes more effort than it should

Lately I keep thinking of a great entertainer from my youth and a wonderful saying he would say. 5 words stuck with me and these days it resonates with me as a trans woman. The words are from a unique and talented entertainer that used their difference to be just one of the many reasons we fell in love with his humor, timing and wonderful screen presence.

"It's not easy being green" (Kermit the Frog, circa 1980).

We all have bit of Kermit the Frog in us. It's not easy being a trans woman, somethings are harder than they should be. Even the most simplest things of things most people take for granted, is a bigger hurdle for girls like us. Being a trans woman, getting out the door some days seems to more of a challenge than it should. Whether I am doing some volunteer work, yoga, errand, supermarket, shopping, hanging with friends, really anything that gets me to leave the house. I have a bunch of thoughts go through my head every time I think about going outside, and from reading around I am not alone with all these thoughts as a trans woman. Most of my behaviours are based on 2 things.1st being that I don't always see the woman I know I am looking back at me in the mirror, and the 2nd being my dislike and feel of body and facial hair, especially on myself.

Each day starts with actually starts the night before. No different than everyone. What am I doing tomorrow, work, shopping, anything outside the house. Getting clothes out, setting the alarm, making sure I have a bag packed etc. The mornings when I am going out usually start about an hour earlier than when I was being in the world as male. When I could get up at 7:00am for an 8:00am start, it's now more like a 6:00am start. But that is really a typical timetable for most male/female living. The big difference is that my preparation is the same as both genders. I have to do the preparation, grooming and care with my body as any woman would, but my body hair is courser and still grows faster than those of cis-gendered women. On top of my body maintenance I also need to do the daily grooming of a man. That is shaving my face, and not just a rushed shave, it's an extra close shave. So when just the basics would normally take a guy 5 minutes, my shaving is almost a 10 minute ordeal. After all that, it's doing my makeup. My makeup is dictated by how many hours I will be out of the house. If I know I will be out all day and into the evening, I will do a heavier version which had a deeper base around my top lip and chin area. I use a red base before applying my foundation. This is to minimize my grey around my top lip and chin. All these additional tasks typically add up to more preparation time than being a cis-gendered person. A lot of these decisions are based on my own physical paranoia of not passing as a woman and attracting the wrong attention.

I used to shave my body hair and the regrowth meant I was shaving almost everyday or in worst case, every 2nd day. I have tried to minimize my body hair growth and maintenance by using an epilator, and it has reasonably successful. Instead of nearly an everyday shave, I would be using it about every 4th or 5th day. The regrowth is less course and lighter in colour than when I was shaving. But this is not a 5 minute job. It usually takes an evening to do my legs and torso, and usually at least another day for the skin to calm down from the trauma I inflicted on it. I have done IPL and a bit of electrolysis for my face but shave almost daily. I The days I don't shave my face, I rarely leave the house. I rarely go anywhere if I haven't prepared to go outside. I rarely go out spontaneously as my paranoia of my appearance will keep me inside. I quite often will shave my face just to go to the supermarket. It's a major effort for such a basic errand. The stress of my appearance limits some options I feel I have that everyone else takes for granted. It's nice not having to do the daily rigors of my routine but my psyche means I limit myself because of my self esteem.

I also mentioned that I struggle at times to see the woman I am looking back at me in the mirror. One thing I cannot see is the guy I used to be. Some days I definitely cannot see him, other days I only see hints of him. This is not a bad thing at all, in fact it is great. But those other times, are the times I struggle seeing the real me. Maybe it's because I don't take the time to dress and prepare to be the woman I have created as my gender schema, my self created stereotype of who I see myself being. By not seeing the woman I know I am looking back at me, does that play with my psyche? Does that eat away at my self-esteem and increase my paranoia of my appearance to the outside world. I know my friends tell me when I have my one day face velcro, they never notice it until I mention it. Is it they see past the parts that I really struggle with, or is it that these big things for me, are a not actually visible to those that interact with me? I do know I hate having facial and body hair, but is it because I have always wished I never had to deal with it and every small bit irritates me? It's it because any unwanted hair highlights the fact I was not born female? Is it something more? Even though I have been on my transformation journey for over 2 years now, I still have a long way to go until my self-doubts quieten down and only exist when I read my blog. I know I have come a long way, and I am still moving forward. There are things I would love, and things I feel I need to either do or have to be in a better place. Until those things happen, my current days are a fulled with OTT preparation, or working on reducing the paranoia in my head so I can do just rush out and exist however I am presenting with confidence.

As Kermit the Frog said so eloquently, "It's not easy being green".