Moving forwards now, getting out of my own way
My last blog post was looking back at my life, as I keep having memories and thoughts of the past. Now I have expunged those, I can now focus on moving forward. The last few weeks I had been waiting to hear regarding the job I interviewed for. I got the call on Tuesday and they were either going to go for someone like myself, completely green with a fresh approach and no preconceived notions about how the job will be done, or someone who is more familiar with the process. I got down to the final 2 and missed out. Naturally I was bummed and felt down and took some time for myself to process the disappointment. Reflecting on the interview experience and feedback I got, I interviewed very well and there wasn't anything else I could have done. I was really thankful to get the chance to interview and with it being in a place I already felt comfortable was a fantastic step towards getting my next job. I got invited to a quiz night on Thursday and on Friday I had tickets to see the New Zealand Symphony Orchestra, so I pushed myself to do these events and had a great time. Even when I am feeling down and see myself sliding downwards, I now can see what I used to miss, but I still struggle to overcome my old habits.
Getting the bad news regarding the job should have motivated to get job hunting straight away. It has been four or five days and I still haven't committed to trolling the job market and applying for a job. I have been distracting myself putting off what I need to do. Even writing blog posts or cleaning are distractions from job seeking and other necessary tasks. Can I break my cycle of procrastination before it becomes too much of a problem? Why am I such a chronic procrastinator? Why do I really struggle with breaking the cycle of my destructive behaviour? Why do I stay up so late at night before going to sleep? Can I overcome these without professional help? How can I overcome my behaviours that are limiting my progress forward? What do I need to do to change to get the results I want?
Throughout my life I have floated through it. I can only ever remember a few times where I made a significant commitment to change my world and had the drive to achieve these goals. One was lose a significant amount of weight, which I managed to do so. Approximately 50kg's over a year, in 2003-04. Some people find that hard to comprehend, and to be honest, I have to always check the math on it to be sure. The next time is when I qualified for my first World Triathlon Champs in Vancouver 2008 when I trained really hard to represent my country to the best I could. There have been other times I have pretty determined, but usually I am Miss 80%. 80% effort, 80% commitment, 80% reward. Some of may think that my transition is me being 100% committed and focused, but I see that I didn't have a choice and I am just doing what I need to do to be the real me. I am just doing what I need to do to live. It's not really a commitment like having a goal and going for it. This is who I am and this is what I need to do to be. The more removed from living a double life, the more complete I feel. I vaguely remember my old persona but I have all the memories. I have had some pretty amazing adventures and experiences and I am sure I will have some more coming. Now what do I have to do to evolve out of my habits I have had a lifetime building? What can do to counteract my natural instincts have done repetitively? What is troubling me the most? What am I scared of the most and what is causing me to stress the most?
I think the biggest cause of my stress is my financial position. I hate not having the money to do things with my friends, feeling like I am at the mercy of someone's kindness just to do more than survive from week to week. I don't buy clothes, I don't go out, and the rare occasion I do, I buy one drink and essentially sacrifice a meal for the coming week. I hate this way of living. I have to only buy makeup when I absolutely have to. Treats are few and far between. And heaven forbid I get a bill unexpectedly. Those really kill me for 2-3 weeks. This is no way to live. It's survival and that is about it. It has been 9 1/2 months since I was last working. Long term unemployment leading to long term poverty is unhealthy and generally fairly well known in all the literature I have read in my psychology readings. Now also there is a strategy to help my procrastinating. Firstly, I must write down my tasks and goals, the daily tasks that will lead to fulfilling my short term do-able goals, which will eventually feed into completing the long term goals. Each morning I need to write my tasks for the day, and at night I need to check and reflect if I achieved those daily tasks. So what are those tasks?
Daily Tasks
Clean my work space
Send my application to the bank
Search the job market and apply for at least 4 jobs
Washing
Check when applications open for next psychology course
Go to sleep before 11:30pm
Short Term Goals
Get at least 3 job interviews by the end of the month
Secure a job by end of June
Enroll for my next 2 psychology courses
Check in with budget adviser and update my budget and start saving
Start exercising properly before or after work
Medium to Long Term Goals
Return to triathlon training
Save for a car
Save for surgery
Return to triathlon racing post surgery
While I know what I need to get done, hopefully creating these task and goal lists and having them close and visible, constantly reviewing and amending when required, will keep me focused and motivated as I tick each of the daily tasks, and short term goals off. To some, I know my procrastination and lethargy irritates them, and I really don't like being like this and I really want to break the cycle of my behaviour. I know I kind of checked out of the world for a while, I put myself in kind of a bubble of ignorance, but 2018 is already in month number 5. If I am not careful, it will be a year since I worked. How can I let it be so long. I am intelligent, honest, friendly, kind, skillful, dexterous, empathetic and a fast learner. It's all there for me, now it's time
Enough is enough Serah!
No more feeling sorry for yourself. No more justifying why you aren't. No more stories of a half-hearted attempt to get back out there. You have so much to give and contribute, yet you hold yourself back. You have been so scared of rejection, you have bailed out of almost everything. Yes, things went pear shaped for you. You've had enough time to decompress, make adjustments, getting used to being yourself and experience the world as a woman. No more 80% bullshit! Go get work and get your big goals that one step closer. The world isn't going to come to you, you have to go and get it. You always tell everyone else this, but it's about time you started living your motto. "Stay Beautiful and Be Amazing!" Dammit girl! Go BE fuckin' AMAZING and STAY BEAUTIFUL both inside and out!
Lots of love, Serah x x x
