Looking backwards so I can move forwards

(Through my blog, I try to capture what I am thinking and how I am feeling in the moment,

sometimes there are reoccurring topics and thoughts).

Every so often, I catch myself thinking back through different periods of my life and trying to see how I was behaving, and what they meant. Were there obvious signs of my gender dysphoria that was obvious, or were they subtle? Also is my past stopping me from moving forward and getting on with my life? What am I afraid of and why don't I feel I have any urgency in my life? I will start by writing about what I have been thinking about regarding my life in a chronological order and I apologize if I am repeating some of the things I have already mentioned in previous blogs.

Early Years (pre-teen)

Probably the person who probably knew me the best through this period of my life would have been my younger brother. Unfortunately he passed away nearly 5 years ago and I find that I often think about him. I think about how we drifted apart, how we managed to put our differences behind us before he died, and how he would accept me now. I know I have said it before, but I miss him all the time.

I remember small instances where I was on the outer looking in. Not really knowing how to be a rough and tumble sort of kid. Very shy and quiet, easily led and there was quite a number of times I would tinker with mum's jewellery. I tried to be one of the boys, did boys things, played the normal boy sports, but always felt on the outer looking in. I never really noticed it, but as I reflect on my childhood, these are some of the predominant memories. Another constant thought was that I always felt I was a twin, and I was missing a twin sister. I knew somehow there was a female presence near me and I felt close to this presence, Going through intermediate (middle) school, some of the boys and girls were starting to enter into puberty. I had no idea what I was supposed to be doing, so I followed along with my friends, tormenting some of the girls. I never really felt comfortable doing things, that I still remember. I do remember though always wondering what it would be like wearing a girls school uniform. Unlike a number of kids that are constantly shown on TV documentaries or News shows, my gender identity as a female was not very evident and there was no crippling behaviours so I entered into my teenage years still trying to be in the boys world.

Teenage Years (high school)

I was to a Catholic boys school, much to my disgust with my parents, and straight away I felt out of place. It didn't help that in my year at school, I came from a school with only 3 kids went through to my high school. Once again my shy reserved nature made it hard for me to fit in, especially when half of the students were boarders and I was a day pupil. I remember looking around and seeing men, not boys, but 14- 17 old men who were the students. They'd rocketed early into puberty and I felt extremely intimidated. I didn't form many friendships and the ones I did, didn't really last during my 5 years at high school. As I look at all my school photos from primary through to the end of school, I was always in the back row except one. This one photo shows how late puberty took for me. While all this testosterone, aggression and peacocking was going on around me, I withdrew more and more. I hated being forced to play rugby, I hated the physical nature of the game and I hated being in a team.

My decline at school was overshadowed by my younger brothers rebellious and attention seeking outbursts, and attention was given to the one who made the most noise. I don't hold any resentment, it just is. At one point he got into some serious trouble and was on the verge of being expelled so if I wasn't being a problem, there was nothing to fix. So quiet me, just slid further into the background and further away from everyone. This is when I would see the girls from other schools and I'd often look and wonder what it would be like being at the all girls school. Being able to wear skirts and a blouse instead of a uniform that I hated and felt foreign to wear. I wondered a lot if being a girl would have meant that our family and our dynamics would be different. I think this is when I began to have strong thoughts and feelings that something was not quite right about my world. Throughout our years at high school, our parents relationship deteriorated, and I remember having anxiety issues when dad would get home. However my parents have remained together still blows my mind. Next year they celebrate 50 years of marriage. I struggle to comprehend that, even though I love them both, I hated the fighting and arguing. I hated being forced to be the peacemaker, the protector, the one who had to run interference. Just because I was the tallest in my family at 15, didn't mean I wanted to be the muscle. This was my first experience of being forced into a role I absolutely hated being forced to play, and I behaved with frustration and outbursts.

Early Adult Years (18 - 30ish)

My school marks suffered from my withdrawal from caring about school. I was lost and didn't care, I had no idea what I wanted to do so I floated along. I attempted studying architectural draughting for a couple of years and got partial qualifications but no job at the end of it. My parents moved away and I stayed in the family house and got in some friends to flat with me. It was great for a couple of years. No parents, and a good group of friends who'd come and hang out. I do remember trying hard to arrange a vice-versa party, just so I could dress up. I don't know why, but it never happened and I remember being very disappointed but tried very hard to not let anyone see just how disappointed I was. I bounced around a few places and kept one job for 5 years but through this job I ended up in a relationship with someone who introduced me to online roleplay. I loved this. I could escape my reality, pretend to be whoever I wanted to be. To start with I was honest and sincere about who I was, what I wanted and thought everyone was the same. Boy was I naive. I was able to be whoever I wanted to be. I found myself wanting to play female characters more and more, getting into the mindset, describing the female body as though it was my own. After a while I didn't want to play male characters online. It felt wrong for me.

I moved to Canada and married a woman. Being married, having 4 step daughters and an additional female cousin living at the house in a different country brought a number of challenges and just as many after we moved to New Zealand. 6 on 1 was extremely overwhelming. Especially again being forced to be the muscle of the household. A role I despised being, and my way of behaving when forced to be someone who I was never supposed to be was with frustration, outburst and withdrawal. I gave up so eventually that marriage and those relationships failed.

Years 30 - 42

Once the girls left for Canada, I had the house to myself. I remember being lonely, unhappy and these were always the times that my cross dressing behaviors would come out. I found some of the clothes that were left behind and I began wearing those under my own clothes to work, and when I went out. I was super paranoid, as anyone would. I played with the left behind makeup and actually confided with a friend at the time (unfortunately I have lost contact with her) and she was a great help. She actually bought me a nightie to sleep in. Part of me felt at peace. My hair was longer than it is now but I was really unhappy. I couldn't put my finger on it but I instead of addressing this feeling, I decided I would do an Ironman Triathlon (3.8km swim, 180km bike 42.2km run).

Now this is an important time for me, because at 30 years old, I think I could have began transitioning then. I was beginning to embrace dressing up at home, I had lost a lot of weight, I was feeling good about myself, I was meeting new people. I made comments to a woman who I started seeing regarding her clothes and shoes something in the lines of "You girls are so lucky. You have so many different looks, with skirts, dresses, shoes, tops, pants etc. Us guys just get pants and shirts which just vary in length!", to which was replied to with a sharp "What are you? Gay? A pedophile?". My reaction was to completely shut this down. Repress everything and focus on triathlon. Get stronger and faster. So I was distracted for a decade. As we got nearer the end of our relationship, the more unhappier I got, the more my old behaviors seemed to creep back into my head. I would cross dress when I had the house to myself for the weekends, I'd pierce my ears and wear long earrings, but I was still not able to deal with why I was doing all this. Eventually we separated and that relationship door got closed really quick. We haven't spoken for over 3 years.

Years 42+

That happened at the beginning of 2015 and once I was able to process that we we not going to get back together after nearly 12 years together, I had space and freedom to breath. Take time and reconnect with old friends, focus on work and start building towards a new life. Towards the end of 2015, I met someone who I again said something like "You girls are so lucky. You have so many different looks, with skirts, dresses, shoes, tops, pants etc. Us guys just get pants and shirts which just vary in length!", and this time instead of a negative response, I got a quizzical reaction. "Do you want to wear women's clothes for fun, cross dress, go out in drag, or do you want to pass?" After denying this desire to explore, I began to let it sink in and around Christmas 2015, my world seemed to cave in itself. I was cross dressing more and more, I was buying make up to play with at home in my room. All my years of repressing these thoughts and feelings came up and hit me hard, and very early 2016, I started to see a psychiatrist and figured out in fact I am a female who has been trying to be a guy in a guys world.

Fast forward 2 years and I am being me. I am free of the distractions of who I am, now I am trying to find how to be me. I have rough times, and I have great times. I have overcome many obstacles already, and I have more in front of me. Being able to write the memories of my past, to purge them on my blog helps me to move forward. My thoughts and memories are how I saw things in my past. Some who are close to me will see them differently and that is ok. This is how it was for me. I do often wonder if others around me saw signs of my dual identity, with my female side expose herself while I was trying to be male. That question I hope others will answer for me but I only want to know out of curiosity.

Thanks for reading and remember,