Life update - Why I've been so quiet lately

I have been working towards taking another big step in my life over the last few weeks. That is returning to the work force. I have my very first job interview coming up on Friday and I am quite nervously excited. My path to get to this stage has not been easy and I am still apprehensive about some parts of returning to the working world. While I am confident in my abilities and skills, it's having the references that can substantiate my skills who I know I can trust. The other big part that causes me concern is that no one has ever worked with me as Serah. I have a working history as a male, but not as a female. These 2 facts make seeking work very stressful. Once I get my first job as Serah, I know I will take that next step with my confidence and acceptance. The volunteer work I have been doing has given me a lot of confidence, and hopefully my skills have shown through, plus the real me has also been able to show through.

While doing my volunteer work, working towards getting back into the work force, this isn't the only things I have been figuring out in my head. I have come to realize that I have been thrust into a world that I am not 100% ready for. That is the world of a 44 year old woman. I've had no learning curve to be here. In essence, part of me is a teenager figuring out what kind of woman she'll be. Once I was able to realize and acknowledge this, some of my social anxieties lessened. I am now seeing the world with a new sense of awareness and optimism. I know am going to make mistakes so I'm going to have to be patient and cut myself some slack. I do hope that the immediate world recognize this vulnerability of mine, and adjusts with me as I learn to develop into the woman I was destined to be. I know this won't happen overnight, but with help and patience from my friends and family, I will be that woman.

Another area of my life I have never been happy with is my ability to deal with money. Ever since I was young, I like to buy the things I wanted. I was never taught the value of saving, or not spend recklessly when I had money. Spending for me in the past was a form of escapism. If I had some money and I was feeling even a little down, shopping or spending was a way masking my pain by distraction. I also got fixated on something and I had to have it. I found ways to purchase things that I couldn't really afford. I did things that stretched beyond my limits of affordability. While it's easy to look back at my life and see where I've had opportunities to fight for being wronged and cheated out of money, I can hold my head up with some integrity knowing I did not compromise who I was for some monetary gain. Money has never been a big driving factor in my world, but now it is definitely a limiter on being able to achieve my goals. With this all in mind, I have sought the help of a budget adviser to help me get to the place I want to be. My current situation is temporary and I am making headway to having the life I really want to have.

So for the most part, life has been going along pretty well. A couple of bumps but nothing that will put me off track. While interacting with a lot of new people in the LGBTQI community this year, I have had to come to realize that I will have to put boundaries on some friendships or acquaintances. Not every transgender person is supposed to be my friend, and I theirs. Friendships are a balancing act. And when does someone stop being a friend? I guess it's when one of you crosses a line that really hurts the other, so much so that the offended person doesn't believe the friendship can recover from. I've had to let go of someone who was a friend lately and it has eaten me up, as I hate confrontations with a passion. But I had to do it for my own mental health and growth. Like any relationship breakup, losing a friend when one side isn't prepared to let go, things can be said that really sting. What is done is done, and all I can do me the best I can be and hopefully this time next week, I'll be back in the working world!