Reflecting on 2017, and what does 2018 hold for me?

I will always remember my 2017 year for the rest of my life. This is one where I was able to embrace and grow into the woman I was supposed to be. It has definitely had a lot of ups and downs, but I will see this as probably my most memorable year I've ever experienced. Most of my life has been about me floating along, getting by and not having much direction. The only time I really had a goal of any type was around doing triathlon. I now have a direction and I know what ultimately I want to do.

It started off with me not having to pretend to be 2 people through the Christmas and New Years period. Having the freedom to be female for an entire 3 week period was a catalyst for all the emotions, feelings, events and decisions that followed on afterwards. What I found, was the longer I had to live a dual identity, the more unhappy I became. I tried to be proactive with colleagues with discussions, in reality, none of them were really that compassionate or empathetic about my situation. I didn't have the knowledge that I do now, what is expected of an employer in relationship to a person transitioning in the workplace. Potentially there could have been better environment, but the feeling of isolation created a workplace that really didn't want me to be there. I am not necessarily happy with how things happened, but I am thankful I have closure on a life that was false.

I had the unfortunate task of attending 2 funerals in a very short span of time. Both were the parents of friends of mine, and people from my past. Going to these funerals as myself, chatting with people from my past, being accepted for me, gave me the confidence to embrace what I had been fearing. I announced to my larger world via Facebook that I am female and I am Serah. What followed was an outpouring of love and support from family, friends and people I had only had brief interactions with. This gave me the absolute freedom to ditch the wig, to stop feeling like I had to hide my true identity and have the ability to live as authentically as I could at the time. While I still had to go to work as my male identity, the liberating feeling of not having to pretend elsewhere was enthralling.

From there I began to get my ducks lined up so I could live as genuine as I could. I legally changed my name and looked forward to starting my new life from September, once I had a whole month off of work. Due to circumstances I didn't see coming, I was let go a month earlier than I had planned to take off. From there I had many personal internal battles as I began to get depressed, I procrastinated on things, and became reclusive. From there things went downhill as I was forced to quickly move out of the house I was staying at. This was probably my most darkest moment of my year. At this moment I had some pretty dark thoughts and was very vulnerable emotionally. Thankfully I had a couple of angels who helped me at my most desperate time. I also reached out to my parents and while this felt like a complete rock bottom, it was the starting point for me to start to turn things around.

I had hoped to have a big celebration when I had my taken my holiday from work, I postponed this to later in September, closer to my birthday. Going through this period of time, it ended up being a more intimate time with a few friends. It was really nice but it wasn't the big event I had wanted. Through October, I tried to look for work and struggled with my references, confidence and the feeling of authenticity. I decided that I would attempt to study full time in 2018. Through November and December I have been struggling to get by on the medical benefit, which is going to be the same as living as a student. I have come to realize that I cannot financially be able to do this so in January I intend to search for work, restarting my life and my world. I have had time to decompress from the emotional roller coaster of transitioning to a 24/7 life, now it is time to get out of my procrastination and depression, take stock in what I have achieved already, learn from it, accept it and move onward to the life I want to have.

I am excited for 2018. I have so much potential to grow and become the woman I know I was supposed to be. I know it won't be easy as I have demons I must face and overcome, I have habits I want to break and I have goals I want to achieve. A lot of the things that stand in my way are all internal. I am working on self improvement and creating better habits. The biggest obstacle I seem to have is my procrastination. I have discovered that this is from my perfectionist personality. I did not accept this about myself before now. I am beginning to realize that this is part of who I am. This is not a bad thing, I just need to learn better techniques to deal with my habits as I begin to lose focus. I will always look back on 2017 with all the fondness, gratitude and relief that I have. It is a year that has seen my world become real. 2018 promises so much more.

Whatever 2018 holds for all of us,