What's behind my smiling vale?

For the most part, I present a fairly happy and all together persona to the outside world. The truth is, behind that vale I present I have a lot of worry, indecision, lack of confidence, loss, fear, loneliness and stress. Some days I can rise on top of it, others I cannot. Where one area of my world is going well, another is not. While many of my problems would be usual things anyone would have to deal with in their lives, I really struggle to get out of my own way and do the right things at the right time. Sometimes this inactivity has some rather difficult implications for me. I don't behave like this on purpose, and I really hate being stuck in this cycle of inability to create a solution. I hide, I deflect, I put up barriers and generally just ignore my problem until it gets to a critical point and I have no other option but to face it. The fear of confronting a problem ends up paralyzing me into inactivity. Summing it up, I am a chronic procrastinator.

As I continue to study and learn about psychology of stress, many of the readings I have read has shown me how and why someone with a personality does this behaviour, but why do I still do these things? Where does my fear and insecurities come from? Why do I isolate myself when I'm doing it hard? Why do I shut down, and avoid minor confrontations to the point they become an unavoidable road block? Why do my mental barriers seem so daunting that I cannot move onto the next thing properly until I get to a point of desperation? Where does all come from? It's it because I'm transgender or is it from another place? While I am not a trained psychologist I have some thoughts where all of this comes from.

Some of my pain and insecurities definitely come from being trans, but not everything. I may have already mentioned some, if not all of these things before, it is what I am thinking and feeling right now. When I finished at my last job in August, I was firstly relieved and ecstatic as I was able to be free of the shackles of presenting as male ever again. I was free from that repression and there was no way I could ever go back to living that way. Following that relief came a lot of fear. How was the world going to treat me? Could I fit into the world? Could I be accepted as a woman and not just as a transgender woman? Could I get a new life started by finding a job? Panic started to set in, so I did nothing. I hid myself away and sort comfort from people who would not challenge me. I really hated behaving this way. After 3 or so weeks, I started applying for jobs and going to recruitment agencies. I was continually asked for references and again panic started to set in. My last 4 jobs had all ended in rather dubious endings, so I felt and feel I have no one who has my back to be a good reference for me, especially someone in a management role. This feels an insurmountable obstacle to overcome for someone who doesn't have any particular qualifications to fall back on. All my work life, it is the skills I have obtained along the way that define me as an employee. Most of these skills are self taught skills, so have can I justify these skills when I have no one I feel can verify any of these. Plus, now I am Serah. No one has ever worked with Serah. Serah is not Warren. To judge Serah as Warren isn't accurate either. All I did was withdraw again, deflected my insecurities and pain and distracted myself. Eventually I got myself to a place where I made a plan to study, get a qualification and return to the working world, reinvented. But it hasn't been smooth sailing either.

These behaviour aren't new behaviours. This is a learnt pattern how I "cope" when I feel like I'm spinning out of control and about to fall off the planet. My coping mechanisms are not productive or healthy. In the moment I feel like I'm a passenger rather than the driver. How far back does all this go? It probably goes way back to my adolescence and puberty. I'm not sure exactly at what point our home dynamics changed. I remember when I was little, my father was a hero of some sorts to me. Having him involved in my world was awesome. At some point he pretty much disappeared from our lives. He stopped coming home at dinnertime to eat with the family and generally didn't show much interest in our lives. My older brother wasn't exactly someone tolerated it and he did his own thing and also wasn't necessarily there for me. Mum struggled to balance the family and often had arguments with dad, so his coping mechanism was to avoid the family more and more. My younger brother reacted differently and basically rebelled. Me, I just hid in my room, avoiding things. I've commented before how once I eventually hit puberty, the world felt "off" for me. So this self-isolation escalated. The only place I found any joy at that time was the golf course. Solitude, isolation, independence, self-reliance but without proper coping skills. I never learnt to talk and unload my problems. All I seemed to have learnt is to avoid, distract, procrastinate and sought solace in isolation.

Compounding these behaviours is my dysphoria. Not knowing who I was, where I fitted in the world, my loneliness and general misery made me really unhappy causing poor decisions. I had no driving force giving me direction in my life, causing me to float along wherever things would take me. I had some relationships with women and seemed to seek out to be looked after in these relationships. When I forced to be a step-father type role it would really throw me out of whack. I really hated being that figure. I never knew why, and why I did a bad job at it. Was it because I never wanted to be like my father? Was it because I never learnt patience by having my own child? Long story short, fast forward some 20 years and self discovery. I was not a man. I was a woman trapped in a man's body. At least that problem was solved. But this does not solve my problems in this moment.

I absolutely hate confrontations and conflict. I will try and dismiss it, lie to avoid being caught in an corner, make irrational decisions, anything to escape confrontation, conflict or causing someone pain by my hands. Even when people are trying to help, it is something that makes me super anxious and panic, to the point I'd almost be physically ill. Rational thinking deserts me and panic sets in. Just thinking about it right now is causing my hands to get sweaty, I can feel my heart rate increase and muscles tense, preparing for fight or flight. I know this is my stress responses kicking in. I know that reaction is mostly unwarranted, it is something that happens and I don't know how to overcome this reaction. Hopefully with help I will be able to manage these feelings and positions I create for myself. I have an appointment with a psychologist this week so hopefully I can work on some of these things going forward.

For now, I've rambled on enough today.