The final countdown is on...
Over the last 3 months I have been studying for the first time since the early 1990's and just finished my last assignment for my first course. I spent the last few weeks researching, reading, compiling and writing. As part of my course, I was required to research and write an informative article on a chosen subject. I was encouraged to do something regarding gender identity, and I'm thankful for that advice. I learnt quite a bit and started theorising as to how my scenario played out, but more importantly, it has reinforced that track that I am on is the right one for me. I have to say I have wavered a bit regarding my focus at times whether I am non binary, or actually female. What I have come to accept, I hate the pronouns "he, him, his" being used in reference to me. Some areas of my life I have come to play the waiting game regarding my gender recognition, but I can still make small adjustments to ease the situation.
I'm not sure how others are doing with their dysphoria as they are near their day of absolute freedom, but I am excited, anxious, frustrated. I am eagerly counting down towards my final day of work, and it's down to 11 weeks left. I made a plan, I let my boss know, and I sticking to the promise I made no matter how hard, frustrating and confusing it gets. There is definitely moments when I just want to turn around and say "for fucks sake!! I'm not a guy!! I'm a girl!!" The hardest part is when I get treated like a heavy lifting guy and then then get the reward of a comment like "it takes a guy to do that"....grrrrrrrrrr. It frustrates the living shit out of me!
Now for some positivity. For so long I spill my thoughts out on here regarding how I feel, what I am thinking. Last week I applied for my legal name change, and within the next 2 weeks, my application should be processed and I will officially will be Serah Charlotte Sutherland. When I am struggling to know if I am on the right path, I think about the fact that I am making changes that reaffirm all this change, and I think about those that haven't. If I am doing this, I must really want this. That gives me the trust that not many people are willing to go through with these changes to make it happen. I know I am willing to do this so I must want this bad enough. What is also pretty great, is my friends around me are so excited when I tell them what I have done too. Their faces light up and I know it's genuine excitement and happiness for me. Ever since being able to accept my true identity, I have a much bigger and loving world to live in. I am free to be me, bring friends into my world and not have to only be half in something. I don't have to have this underlying feeling of not being totally honest with them. Even during my hard moments, I bounce back faster, I genuinely feel much happier.
And with that,
Stay Beautiful and Be Amazing!
Love Serah X X
