So where am I heading?

I have been wandering through my existence for 30 odd years. Ever since I hit puberty, something was not right in my life, in my world. I could not place my finger in exactly what was off. All I know the longer I stayed at high school, the more disassociated I became with my school work, my social interactions, and I sought out more solitary endeavours. Being lost in a world of uncertainty is not easy. The feeling of confusion and a lack of any direction or plan let me float through the 1990's until I had someone show interest in me. That 3 year relationship was doomed and so was the next which lasted nearly 12 years. As I reflect on these relationships, were they doomed because I am female that was born with the wrong sex organs, were they doomed because of my emotional limits, or were they doomed for another reason?

Finding someone that can love and accept each of us for whatever evolution we have to go through during our lives, is the ultimate reward. Some of find that easier than others, some do not find it, and some of us resist the possibility of finding that love to protect ourselves from either being hurt, or we learned from a very young age, that the nurturing love was just not something we received as we were infants, so why would we expect the world to give it to us as we aged? I have many questions regarding my emotional development, and the limits I have engrained into my temperament/psyche, but do these define me? As I consume content around psychology, the more I become fascinated by it. I desire to learn more, and the more engaged in my studies I become. I want to learn. I want to understand. I want to help others. This awareness gives me some insight to my past, and it also offers me some hope for my future. I have hopes, and desires, but I also accept my limitations of which some are temporary, some a longer term, but I can still dream and hope.

I have a date and time in place and I have a countdown going. As I type this, it is now 117 days to go before I can finally shed the remnants of my life as male forever, and 100% embrace my authentic life in every aspect of my existence. So on September 2nd, 2017 when I finish my work day, that will be it!! No more pretending. No more hiding. No more camouflage. Just no more. I will be free to embark on each day, from wake to sleep as female. As my countdown drops, the more excited I become. I have smaller goals along the way also. I will be filing to legally change my name shortly. That will be a momentous occasion. Finally I will be able to part ways with a name/label that I ever felt right, and be able to connect mind, body and soul with a name that reflects who I see myself as.

My name is Serah. I am female. I am transgendered. I am a person. I exist. I am alive. I am real.

I am not a statistic. I am not a mistake. I am not afraid. I am not alone.

I feel. I care. I cry. I hug. I love. I live.

Stay Beautiful and Be Amazing!

Love Serah