One year on HRT's and NAME CHANGE!!!!

As I begin to write this blog it is exactly one year ago (June 30th) that I had my first endocrinologist appointment, and was prescribed with my testosterone blockers and my estrogen pills. I remember vividly sitting at my desk going back and forth as to actually start taking them. I was absolutely hopeless at work that day, and it was all done in somewhat of a secret at work. I can't believe it has been a whole year since I began. It has gone so fast. What has happened in those 12 months?

To my body;

I probably get asked this more than any other question, or it's just about always the first question. After 2 - 3 weeks of starting, I really thought I could see my breasts starting to grow. I felt as though they were. I'm pretty sure it's all psychosomatic. Now from around the 2 1/2 - 3 month period, my nipple areas began to get quite sensitive, I knew now my breasts were doing something. I initially thought it was a passing sensation. Ahhh, no. I cannot carry things the way I'd always done in the past. I cannot use my chest to carry things. My nails are somewhat less durable. I believe my hair regrowth is slightly softer, and I think my head hair is growing faster than I ever recall in my past. After around 6 months, I definitely started to notice some squishy boob-idge going on. I was seeing something physically, nothing to really mention, but significant for me to feel happy with. In order not to draw too much attention to my transformation, I'm still wearing bagger shirts, with a camisole and sports bra, which doesn't exactly make my small boobs pop! It is a temporary fix, for now.

In the last 4 months I have also notice a slight decrease in my strength at work, plus the rounding of my hips a bit. My waist still isn't shaping, but that is more likely that I am not doing enough exercise to warrant that kind of expectation. My friends are saying they are noticing subtle things in my face, but I am failing to see those. Another part of my body that seems to have been affected is my finger nails. They appear slightly more brittle than that were a tear ago. It may be a side effect of my growing the and shaping them a bit more regular than I have ever done in my life.

HRT's have not really done much with my facial hair growth, but with laser treatments on a 4 - 6 week cycle has almost eradicated my dark facial hair. I still shave almost every day, it's not exactly lady like, but neither is rocking a mo or beard when I am just wanting to be me. I don't do drag, so there isn't a need to go there, even though I have drag friends and I love them to pieces. It's not me, or what I want. I just want to blend in, just standing for being a good looking woman rather than the dude in a dress.

To my emotions;

My family and oldest friends have known that I was always more sensitive than my brothers, my male friends, and the extended family of males. Some situations I always struggled to keep my composure from tears. Those days seem to have gone. I can no longer not stop the emotions flood from my eyes when I'm on the edge of crying. The worst moment was during a meeting at work, I spent almost half the meeting in tears, whereas in the past I would have been able to hold that together. Moments like that really have taken more energy from me in the moment, but because I am mentally in a much better place, I bounce back from those setbacks really quickly. My psychiatrist told me during a session, that my responses in those stressful and anxious moments are normal human reactions in those moments. To feel upset, down, angry and all those other emotions, is normal. The part that isn't, is the all consuming emotion that drags on for days and days. I do care more than I used to, but then I am more free to let people into my world than at any other time in my life. I love feeling this way and don't want to go back.

My friends and support network:

When I started my HRT, I only told a handful of people that I knew I could trust to be kind and supportive. It took me a few weeks to open up to my family and to my work colleagues. I wasn't presenting at work in any way, except the odd earring forgotten in my ears, the nail polish or eye liner residue, but for the most part, not much was given away. When I found my voice and told those at work, then my family, all the weight seemed to lift from my shoulders. Carrying around such a heavy secret was very taxing, and the true was utterly liberating. Don't get me wrong, that all my gender problems went away overnight, by no means has that happened, but knowing that I didn't need to worry about the potential of making a cosmetic blunder in front of these people, or being "caught out", was a massive shift in my journey to accept that it's ok to be me, in a dress, with make up and not needing to give a shit about what was said.

Throughout the last 16 months, I have made some really great friendships. All of these people have only ever treated me as Serah, and can't ever imagine me living a male life. That in itself is truely amazing. I love each and every one of those beautiful people. The ones that have transitioned along with me, and have embraced my gender change, I love them even more. For some it's still a bit of a struggle, mainly because I don't get to see them as frequently as I would like to. The biggest moment probably came when I was able to tell me extended to my network, via Facebook, those I had separated from in the 2 - 3 prior. Some people totally took me by surprise and made contact directly with their support. Quite a few coming out with their stories about a sibling, or a cousin or someone close to them that has had someone change their gender identity. It's a bit more common than most of us probably realize.

Now for my biggest news of this blogpost!

Over the last 2-3 weeks, in the background, I have been getting by ducks all lined up, and I can now officially say that my name has been officially changed on my birth certificate to Serah Charlotte Sutherland. When I got it, I was so excited and so happy, I was like a little kid, bouncing for days on a high. The photo is me, no make up, no real hair cut or style. That is everyday me these days. As far as my name change, for the most part I've nothing but amazing and totally supportive responses. I've had a couple that have been a bit "MEH" but that is not my issue.

I am Serah.

I feel it more and more each day. I totally feel like I am starting to be me more and more. Now I just have to see through the last 2 months of this work season and then, IT"S ALL ON!!! My genuine life! I can wake up each morning knowing it is not a facade, it won't be a lie, it won't be a disguise. Its is real, it is authentic, and it's coming.