I am not brave dammit!

I get told so often that I am so brave to be doing what I am doing. I don't see that. I see bravery in so many of my friends that don't see it in themselves. I have a beautiful friend (B) who has traveled from Canada to New Zealand, alone, with no family in New Zealand to live here. She gave up everything to move to another country by herself, uncertain of her future. She is making her life in Wellington and loves living here. That is brave to me. I see bravery in another friend (H) completely changing her career in her mid 40's, instead of continuing doing what she has doing and keeping on doing it. That is brave to me. I also see it when (M) decided to move in with her boyfriend after both had gone through divorces, risking themselves to be open enough to allow another person into their lives again after going through so much hurt. That to me is brave. I have had 2 friends go through and face cancer scares this year, and I also see bravery in another friend (P) who returned home to deal with their unresolved past, after being away for 3 or 4 years from a massive personal loss. That to me is extremely brave. I see more bravery all around me when I look for it, travelling NZ to cut hair and talk about men's mental health and bartering for this service, totally brave and awesomely inspirational.

Me being brave? Through someone else's eyes, probably, through mine, not so much. So why don't I consider what I have done and doing brave, especially if I saw someone I knew go through a gender transition as an outsider (since I know other transgender people and also potential trans readers, I am in no way trying to diminish your journey or your bravery. This is all about how I see my own self perspective), I would probably think they were brave also.

The only brave thing I really think I did was a long time ago, nearly 2 years ago was to get help. I could have easily kept my cross dressing hidden away. I could also keep living in a roller coaster depressive state, bouncing in and out of denial and anxiety. I really believe that asking for help is the bravest thing a person can do, and closely followed by accepting help. Those 2 things will change anyone. It's not until you are able to ask for help, that you become totally aware that you wanting to change. Wanting to change is being brave. The pathway to change is bumpy, challenging and downright scary. You have to really hit rock bottom to have such a profound desire to change. I've had many people around me at various times in my life try and force me to change or to accept help, and those were dealt with resistance. I see my father who, is now 70, still unable to accept his depression and the topic still is only met with resistance. He stubbornly will not get a tumor on his head taken care of because he does not want to be told it is cancer. Where is the bravery when ignoring a problem does not solve the problem? Acknowledging a problem doesn't fix a problem. Accepting and getting help to solve a problem is the start of fixing a problem. Take a breath, take that first step. Be brave when confronting something that scares the crap out of you.

So why don't I see me reinventing myself as being brave? All these choices and decisions were made during my counselling sessions at the beginning of 2016. I had many barriers to breakdown to find my truth. Being scared to accept my truth was my challenge. Accepting my truth was being brave, the choices from that knowledge, not so much. Being true to myself is not being brave, it is just being true and authentic. Knowledge was the key to a happier life. I did have scary moments and small bouts of bravery, like my first outings wearing makeup and a dress, going in public alone in my female attire, coming out to my friends, at work and to family, again, scary and moments of bravery. To be completely honest, I cannot ever see myself not going backwards from this point, I do not want to regress. I know I have questioned my gender identity as I was working towards this time, whether I am transgender or gender fluid.

What I do know for certain, is that I am special and lucky. I have had a life as a male, and I am having a life as a female. I maybe a minority, but I have more wisdom than any cis-gendered person can have as I can see the world from both points of view and and speak with some authority on things. I still maybe brave in your eyes, but to me bravery is everywhere. Those in the situation or a moment, they may never see it as bravery, and that is because they are all genuine people, and humble. They are beautiful people, and the ones I mentioned at the beginning, I am super fortunate to be able to call all my friends.

From the bottom of my hearth, thank you for being brave and wonderful in your own right, not matter if you see it in yourself or not, I see it in you.

Stay Beautiful and Be Amazing!

Serah X X