Free and Clear!! I am now me!

Rather unexpectedly, I am currently jobless but I do not care. I am the happiest ever. I am finally free and clear of a place that was making me miserable and really unhappy. The lack of support for my transition in my workplace is painfully obvious now. How did I ever think it was going to be a safe place for me to fully come out and be me? I feel so foolish now. Some of my friends have pointed out that I was miserable, and thought I needed to accelerate my plan for transitioning sooner. For those that have been reading my blog, you would know I have had a date set, September 2nd. I gave them that date because it was the end of the busy season, and it also gave them 13 months to make their adjustments to accept my transition. Here's the flaw in that plan. I was the only one doing that. Their was no support, no interactions or questions asked, the conversations that were had were always prompted by me, and met with acknowledgement rather than engaged conversation. No questions, not sign of real support, and even cold hard shut downs from at least one colleague.

Previously, for 2 1/2 years, when I was struggling with life, and therefore, struggling with work, help and concern was always given, but since August 8, 2016, when I came out at work, that same concern and support began to erode. Instead of support and understanding, it was discipline, and from there things just kept deteriorating. I really feel I was put in an environment set to fail, and I played right along with their plan to the point that we have recently parted ways. Do I think that their religious beliefs had something to do with this eroding of the relationship, absolutely. It was subtle, and hard to see, but the end result is no doubt what they wanted. The difficulty with transitioning in a workplace, is not everyone will move along as much as you do, but if they really want you, they will at least attempt to adjust with you, when they don't, it not worth staying. So as of Tuesday, August 1st 2017, some 32 days earlier than expected, I am now 100%, 24/7, Serah Charlotte Sutherland, and I am so happy. Now as you could probably imagine, the previous week or so, I was under immense stress and uncertainty. During this time, I was depressed, angry, relieve, excited and content. How can anyone go through so many emotions?

What I have learnt in the past, that the situation you are in, triggers an emotional response. Those emotions are normal, and the range of emotions are a natural response to those environments and situations. It is ok to get upset, depressed or anxious even, if the situation is worthy of that emotion. Dealing with that emotion in a rational, and logical way, to come through to a place where you are content is normal. I managed to go through the range of emotions in the space of 2-3 days and got to a point where I was content never to return to a hostile work environment. During my time away from the shop, before any final decisions were made, I continued my studies, which at the moment happens to be business communication, and it was exceptionally enlightening as to all the communication problems the workplace was having. And it was never going to change, so it reinforced that I would never return to that workplace. Some 4 days later, decision made, and my first thing I did was air punch in utter happiness! I was free! Elation and a big warm glow went around me as I rejoiced in finally never having to be male or pretend to be male ever again. And when I returned their stuff, and collected my stuff, it was awesome, as I went in as me, finally! No more facade, and they had to deal with it, because there as nothing they could do, absolutely nothing. And the thing they probably couldn't get their heads around, was instead of being nervous or anxious, I was happy and excited. That was awesome, and walking out one last time was so liberating. That is now all done! It was the best feeling ever, and I have been on a high since.

So the last 3 1/2 years isn't a waste of time, and I won't hold any anger over the journey I went through. I lost a 12 year relationship, I went through separation, I pretty much went through homelessness, and I went serious depression but it is the place that I was at when I learnt the truth about who I am, and also what I really want to do with my life. I am not a perfect person, far from it, and I am very emotional, I have highs and lows more so than other people, I care more about things and things frustrate me more than they should. This is who I am, and I will not apologize for it, nor will I compromise my integrity to be someone or something that I am not. I've done pretending for far too long, and I dislike it. I am finally me, and I am ready to live the rest of my life the way it should have been right from the start of my life.

At the end of the day, this is my life, my journey, my story, and the start of new chapters, one fulled with all the beautiful colours of the rainbow and without compromise.

Thank you all for your beautiful support this last period of my life, and I look forward to catching up with you all very soon.

Stay Beautiful and Be Amazing!!

Love Serah