A bit of shake, rattle and roll

The night after my last post I felt I was on the verge of a break down, and I continued to spiral deeper into my depressive thoughts, anxieties and some paranoia. Thankfully I have a great friend who helped take some of the edge off of my concerns and calm me down after I had a small FB rant during mental health awareness week, and spending a couple of hours so stressed out I was practically in tears as I was messaging. I had only just calmed down enough to close the computer, turned the lights off and laid down to try and sleep, then all of a sudden the house started shaking!!!

I know a number of you that read my blog live close by and we all experienced this together, others, let me tell you what happened.

At 12:02am November 14 2016, we got hit with a fairly big earthquake. A pretty large 7.8 magnitude quake centered some 230km South of here. Having grown up and lived most of my life in the Wellington region, quakes are a bit of a regular occurrence. I can't remember being in a quake that lasted 10 seconds, nor can I recall one that I ever feared for my safety. This time however!!! After the house continued to shake, and the power felt as though it was building, I moved quickly to a safer part of the house, and I waited and watch the house move around me. Luckily we had no damage, but damn I was pretty scared, not to mention that my state of mind was already pretty fragile. My flatmate was woken up and once the shaking subsided after around 30 - 40 seconds, she surfaced in a frazzled state herself.

Now we live approximately 1.5km from the South Coast in Wellington, in a suburb called Island Bay, so a potential tsunami is possible. We heard no sirens so assumed no tsunami alarm. We stayed indoors and eventually got to sleep and luckily there was no tsunami, but there was an alert issued for our suburb, but no alarm, and we had sleep through the alert. The lack of an alarm was very concerning however. When daylight came, we were informed not to go to work. The Wellington City had been hit fairly hard by the quake and areas were closed off, and some 10 days later, still closed off. Totally exhausted, both mentally and now physically, I really needed the day off.To make matters worse, on the first day back to work on the Tuesday poor Wellington was hammered by a big storm, causing flooding, slips, washouts and the ocean coming over the roads, closing both major roads in and out of the city. Talk about having a shit week, and it had only just started the week.

To say I have been managing to keep things together is a bit of an achievement considering how I have been feeling previously. Since these events happened, I have felt my anxiety levels steadily increase, to the point I am seriously thinking about restarting my anti-depressants. I am reluctant to restart as I do calm down on them, I also go really blah on everything. Looking at it objectively, I probably am already living a life of blah right now. I'm avoiding people and places, withholding myself from doing things, everything is feeling a little too big, I'm

overthinking things that should only be a passing thought. I have had a few nights I have felt terribly alone and I just wished I'd have someone take care of me for a day or too. Just enough to check out and sleep for a bit. Not have to worry about work, about bills, about the time, about money, about my transition, about people, about work, about where I'm going to be in 2-5 years time, how I will look, live and be in the world. Way too many thoughts at the moment. How do I turn this off?

I have contacted my psychiatrist and set up another appointment. but that is not for another 10 or so days time. That will help me. Also I had my follow up with the endocrinologist this week. My oestrogen levels are now at the levels of a normal female, so that is comforting to know and so quick too. The heightened stresses could be due to that fact. My body chemistry trying to regulate what it's new normal is, and affecting my thinking and emotions, and that is partly why I am reluctant to return to the land of blah with the anti depressants.

One thing has happened on a positive since the earthquake, I had quite a few people check up on me either by phone, facebook, text, messenger etc that I hadn't expected from. New friends, and old. It's really nice to begin to have a slightly larger network for support now. So to all of you, I love you all and thank you for your love. I'm sorry I am down somewhat, I really do need your help and kindness. I may not show a great amount of engagement, and maybe easily distracted, but please do not take it personally. Small things matter, spending time chatting, a drink, a coffee, a hello etc is huge when the dark oppressive cloud constrains the way I think, live, converse and behave.

Also to anyone out there reading this in their own world of hurt right now, I emphasise with your plight, but please do message me. We can help each other. My homepage has links to my social media accounts, and there is a place to post to this blog. Don't feel like you are alone. I know and understand that it feels like it is easier being alone and avoiding things, but they are still there, just waiting for you when you decide to check back into the world and back to living your life. Please don't do what I do so very well. Please do not procrastinate, do not wait. Reach out, get help, and for those who can, reciprocate the help back.

Pay It Forward.

Love you all, stay beautiful and be amazing.

Serah