No matter how much I've grown, I'm still making the same mistakes!
No matter how much I've grown, I'm still making the same mistakes. So what does that mean? Every time I enter into a difficult situation, needing to make hard choices, become self motivated to make a change, accepting my mistakes and owning them, taking ownership of my failings, turning the page etc, etc, I seem to do self destructive behavior. I don't do what I know I need to do, instead I either become reckless or I find distractions and deflect the important problem at hand. So what has gotten me onto this subject tonight?
As you are all aware, almost a month ago I finished up at my last place of employment. What I haven't shared is some of the finer details of what I have been doing with my time. As I was entitled to, I received my holiday pay and my termination pay which was around 7 weeks of pay. What did this girl do with that money? I started off with all the best intentions and actually separated my money for living and for establishing myself in my new life. But what I didn't do was actually really start looking for work. For the most part of this year I had been building up to have my 4 week break from work in September, so initially this was my break from work. I was riding my emotional high of finally being true to myself and discarding my old persona for the rest of my life. This was my holiday and I went shopping! FUN! Clothes, hair, shoes etc. Having some cash in my bank account to buy these straight away was great. So now I have a few work outfits, enough to get me underway so I can establish myself as a working woman. So I told myself. That mentality would work if I was re-entering the workforce.
I wasn't exactly idle during this first week, I managed to complete my assignment for my study, I contacted my brother's niece whose a recruiter, got some make-up lessons to be confident to have all day make-up. But then complacency started to creep in. I didn't have the urge to study much, I didn't actively update my CV or a cover letter, I didn't scope for jobs and I was blase about getting new ID. I knew I should be doing these things, and truth be known, I actually wanted to be doing these things, just not badly enough. What did I do instead? I went visiting friends to distract myself, I continued to shop and spent more money and I either watched movies or played PlayStation. And I was lazy. Anything to avoid my reality and responsibilities. That behavior right there is my repetitive behavior. And this behavior in turn feeds my depression. The more time I wasted, the worse I felt, and the worse my distractions. Right up to the point of desperation.
Desperation has gotten me to do the things I should have done weeks ago. I have my new Driver's Licence with my real name and a horrible photo on it, but hey, it's ID. I've been to recruitment agencies, I've been to the bank, I've done everything I should have done a month ago. Just 3 weeks too late and I am suffering because of my lethargic, complacent, distracting behaviors. Why haven't I gotten better at this area of my life? I know what to do. I have the desire to want to be a psychologist and help people go through this, so why the hell haven't I at least improved on my old behaviors? Just because I am transgender, and now living 24/7 as my authentic self, it doesn't magically absolve my past behaviors. Why can't I be more composed and controlled with my behaviors? Why am I putting stress on friendships that I cherish more than anything in the world? All this is really beating me up right now.
This is one of my toughest moments in the last few years for sure, and I've had a few to be fair. I can empathize with anyone battling depression, and sincerely hope that anyone reading this sees that there are others out there feeling just a shit. But I know that I will get through this period, and I will get back to work, I will get that hardship fund release from the bank soon. I will get my mojo back and my life will be brighter and better.
Please, no matter how shit I feel, I do know that suicide is not my answer, so please don't let it be yours.
Stay Beautiful and Be Amazing!
Serah X X
