Month of self discovery

Throughout the early part of November, I had major uncertainty about stability of housing, staying in Wellington, getting motivated to work hard, and all sorts of other smaller things. For now, I am doing really good. I got my bike fixed up so I am using it for transport. Nothing like I have done in my past, but I am at least using it. Accommodation for now is fine, though I am looking for something a bit closer to the city, and a bit more long term and stable. Any help here would be appreciated :) I have had a couple of appointments with a cis-male psychologist and a trans-female student psychologist, and both sessions have been really helpful. So instead of generalizing, let's get into a something a bit more specific.

Beginning of the month, first couple of weeks, I was still couch crashing at the apartment. I also got my new course material for Psychology of Stress. C & S have been amazing while I have had a bit of uncertainty but the apartment was feeling somewhat small, and S got sick from her travels. I got out of the apartment and spent an entire week at the library reading my course material, until I could move to this place I am currently living. 2nd day here I put my back out to the point I could hardly move. I was horizontal for 3 debilitating days. One thing I do know is the pain I feel in my back having had back issues since I was around 13. Even though this hurt every time I moved, It was not serious. The biggest problem I had was continuing my reading for my studies. The pain, drugs and my mood just didn't give me any motivation to do anything. I knew I had an assignment due but just couldn't work on it. I was depressed once again.

Now I chose to study the paper "Psychology of Stress" instead of one of the 5 or 6 other papers I could have done last month. The reason I chose this was it would help me gain insight into myself and help myself into a better frame of mind, and general quality of living. Yet here I was, failing at it. I spent a week lying in bed, binge watching Netflix. I had read a bit of my course material, but not enough to get to grips with what I had consumed, and that is why the assignments are there. To reinforce the readings. Go figure huh! I finally got myself up and moving again some 7 days after I hurt my back. I probably should have done it 3 days earlier. This time I got packed, on my bike and road into town, to the library, with a ridiculous 11 kg backpack on (weighed out of curiosity when I got home). This time, reading my course material, I started to hit on passages that were explaining why people procrastinate when they are stressed. Holey Crap! Exactly me! Kinda a light bulb moment for me. I've had about 3 or 4 of these moments of clarity and revelations in my life before, so it got me excited to get another one.

My course and assignment was on the physiology of stress and reactions to stress, faulty adaptatives, personality traits and strategies to help recognize the false adaptatives. Super interesting a timely too. I did struggle to get started with my assignment, but I got into it and learnt a lot. I'm hoping like crazy that I was able to interpret the requirements and was able to explain to their satisfaction. I'm quite nervous about this first assignment. I may not get it back in time before I have to submit my 2nd assignment, so feedback could be very limited. Due to my new understanding of how we interpret, react and adapt to stress, I can see how my behaviours have been predictable, and what a better alternative strategy can be. So I am in a much better space right now.

I mentioned earlier I have had a couple of revelations with psychologists. The biggest one is probably the desperate need to hide

my pain with the vale of illusion. I have never been happy with my reality of the moment. I always had this need to distort my reality with items that would show that I was better off than I am. I remember being as young as 14 or 15, not being happy with the golf clubs I had. I sold these clubs and had managed to buy some new ones. I didn't tell my parents, and I'd always hide them. I loved the attention of being able to show them off, creating this getting attention for what I had, not necessarily who I was. I am guessing now, this behaviour I did was always reinforced for having a shinny new toy and the attention it got, so much so, that when I am down, shopping is almost a default distracting behaviour of mine. When I don't have the money to distract myself, my depression sets in. I can see this reoccurring theme happen in my life, and only now I can see it for what it is. A desperate act to distract myself from my reality to live in a fantasy world. Now I am the real me, the female me, there is no need to be foolish anymore. There is no need to desperately seeking an alternate reality. I have to learn to be happy in this reality and be content with the way it is. I am able to see clearer where my faulty adaptions have taken me in the past, and more aware that it is time to be the best version of myself I can be.

I am making progress and I could write for hours upon hours tonight, but you'd all probably stop reading and, so I will be posting again shortly. But for now;

Stay Beautiful and Be Amazing!!

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