From bad to worse....and back again

I haven't felt like writing anything for a few weeks. Once you read the following post, you'll understand why.

Since my last post, the following week things felt like they went from bad to worse. I felt like that nothing I was doing was going right. I have been spiraling downwards and it has affected my mood, thinking, motivation and also decision making. I have had some dark thoughts and even felt as though life wouldn't have had much left to offer me. To make matters worse, I had to leave the place I was living in a rush. Less than 30 minutes warning, 4 bags of clothes, no money, no car and no where to go. Complete rock bottom. So there I was, sitting outside a school, with all my dark thoughts rushing through my head, just hoping that one of my friends would answer their phone, and hoping like crazy for a bed to sleep in for the night. I'm not going to go into the details of how this happened, or why this happened but I will go into what I was thinking at the time.

As I was sitting with some clothes, shoes and make up in the bags in front of me, I started to think what the hell had I done to end up here. What else could go wrong and what was the f**kin point. I didn't have anything really about to happen in the next few days that would dramatically turn my life around. No job, not even any interviews lined up, the money I was waiting for was a week overdue without any confirmed date of it arriving. I had no one relying on me and I had responsibilities. So who would miss me? Sitting and waiting, watching cars and buses come past, my mind started to wonder what if??? What if I just went out in front of one of them? Would they slow down enough to not kill me? Could I rush out there quickly enough to surprise the driver so I would be killed and not injured? Sitting outside a school, near a pedestrian crossing, probably wasn't a great spot for those options to work. And then I had the thought of what effect me doing that another human. A small piece of guilt stopped me from acting on those terrible thoughts.

Hope came about 15 minutes later as one of my friends came and picked me up. All I could do was cry. Here I am, a 40 something 6' tall woman being held and just crying into my friend's shoulder. It didn't feel like much at the time, but it was the catalyst to begin to turn in an upwards direction. That evening, I cried a lot as I described the story and I could feel my depression setting in. With the exhaustion of my days happenings, I went to bed early, and had the worst sleep ever. I woke every 90 minutes or so. The storm and hail smashing into the bedroom window certainly didn't help with the sleep. Following day, with some encouragement I reluctantly reached out to parents. My big adventure for the day was to have a shower and make some lunch. Without much energy or motivation, the next couple of days was pretty much a soak, rinse, repeat effort. On the Saturday, my folks collected me and took me to their place about 90 minutes north of Wellington. I slept most of the car ride there.

Being at my parents was hard. Hard to feel like that this was my absolute "WTF had happened to my world to end up here?". Hard, that they couldn't call me Serah. Hard that they didn't use the "she" pronouns. I was going round and round, not really feeling like I was accepted and not really being able to be me! 2 days of existing at my parents, I then started to get my appetite back, and started to feel a bit better. I even completely did myself up with a nice dress and make up, washed my hair and started to feel like me. The first time in over a week that I had the energy to do that. I know that my parents weren't expecting that to start with, but it was more for me than them. After being at my folks for 4 days, I ventured into town which was only a mere 10 minute walk away, to the supermarket for a couple of small things. The next day the money I was waiting for came through, and I ventured a bit more. I was coming out of my deep depression, and started to actually function somewhat normally.

The following day I had a couple of friends say they were heading to Miami to help family and friends after the hurricanes have ripped through the lower part of USA. I struck up a conversation and offered to return to Wellington and look after their cat and apartment for them. A silent return back so I could attend interviews, a school oral assignment, a chance to slip back into where I feel most like me. What I do know is that 7 days earlier, I was looking at cars and buses and thinking about suicide. I was so down I couldn't see a way out of my own misery. I've been back for 11 days now and been slowly integrating myself back to the world.

I want to say a huge thanks to all of those that had lent me a hand during my worst of times, and those that have been there to reach out with a helping hand on my way back up. I love you all.

Stay Beautiful and Be Amazing!!