Re-entering my old (sporting) world....Maybe!

I am writing this straight after my last post. I had a lot to say and I didn't want it to get too long for anyone to read. Last night I went along to Splash and Dash to begin a conversation on how to re-enter the sporting world I left 3 years ago. For those that don't know, I used to compete in triathlons, and variations of the swim/bike/run formats. It also served anther purpose for me. A lot of the people that attend these were from my past. Some had moved from my old Facebook account to my new one, but I hadn't actually seen them in the flesh. Re-engaging with these people is just another hurdle for me to overcome, along with a return to a sport and activities I enjoy doing. I really doubt that I will do things to the intensity I once did, or to the level of involvement either. I just want to be able to do my thing without much drama being involved eventually.

Ultimately, I'd love to do one more Ironman. As me, and as a female., no drama, not special treatment. Just one woman hoping to be called an Ironman.

While going along last night was really cathartic, I have a lot of mental work to do before I can even picture myself getting back into swim, bike, run once again, even at an entry stage. I still carry injuries that started to become fairly difficult limiters to my training in 2012, especially to my feet. No matter what I've done, they have never been the same. My elbows flair up if I swim too much with golfers elbow. I sold off my race bike last year, though I still have my old road bike. All my swim attire is for guys, including my wetsuit. All of those aside, the injuries and gear, I can probably get around those hurdles. I am needing to overcome my mental hurdles. I do not feel very feminine when I exercise at all. When I run/jog, I don't feel like Serah. When I cycle, I don't feel like Serah. When I swim, I have only swum in the ocean and alone, I don't feel like Serah. I feel super androgynous. I don't feel I present feminine. I know I don't look like I used to either. I feel I am somewhere numb and in the middle. That aside, that isn't my biggest mental barrier.

The facilities debate. Now using a normal bathroom to go pee is one thing. A changing room. OH SHITBALLS. Number one fact, swimming. I do not feel safe in the men's changing room and in fact the thought of ever having to use them ever again horrifies me. Using the woman's changing room when I am physically in the infancy of my transition would be even more uncomfortable. Yes I have breasts, maybe bigger than some of the hardcore female athletes out there, and I present and live as a woman all the time now, but that has limitations. Where do I get changed? What happens if I need the bathroom mid session? Do I resort to wearing one of my old trisuits? And do I arrive ready and leave wet, unchanged? Also, my hips haven't properly rounded yet, and my waist is still on the squarer side, so my body shape being on display in a tight fitting Lycra outfit, along with the good old tucking issue, are definitely big hang ups for me. So, how the hell does one tuck for swimming and moving in water? And I'm not talking about a splash around at the beach swim, I mean hard pool swimming, tumble turns, kicking drills and all that jazz. If I can't find help, I guess it'll be trial and error. I hope like crazy I don't fall out of a swimsuit. That could be traumatic and not just for me.

So how about riding the bike? Other than feeling like a block and not curvy, does anyone know what a tuck would be like on a cycling seat? Ummm #impossible. So even now as I ride my bike, I am super paranoid that I am bulging where I really don't want to bulge. I hate stopping at traffic lights. I feel everyone is trying to figure out if I'm a girl or a guy and checking out my crotch for any evidence. Maybe it's in my own head, but right now I am carrying a bit of excess weight, so I can obscure it and create a reasonable illusion. But it's not foolproof and I hate it. I feel really vulnerable about my gender presentation when cycling. Also another issue with returning to riding with others I have. Will I be judged on my past cycling ability or will I be accepted by the women who cycle?

Now with running, not so much. Probably the least of the three I have an issue with, though I would prefer to be more feminine and would absolutely love to run pain free. Since I injured my feet, running has been a tremendous battle for me. Out of the 3 disciplines, it was my least favourite, but I got ok with my ability. I was never going to be quick, but I could trudge along half decently.

I would really like to thank everyone who spoke to me at Splash and Dash, took the time to hug me and show me some love. I really enjoyed seeing everyone again and just being there has helped me to become a more rounded and complete woman. I am really trying to create an environment where I can exercise with some confidence and safety, and who knows, encourage others out there who feel they too can return or begin to exercise the way they want to.

Stay Beautiful and Be Amazing!!

Love you all

Serah