Someday's I really start to question it all

Over the last couple of weeks I have moved again, 5th place to rest my head in less than 2 years. Boy is it getting a bit of worry. Now I have moved to a friend's place, and her 2 boys. They all are great and super accepting, and have all in their own way, helped me evolve and feel accepted as a person, not an outsider. Around people like them, just makes things pretty easy, and just breath and exist. I do have anxious moments when I am presenting fairly androgynous, probably wearing brighter, more feminine attire, but not really presenting. I wear active wear fairly regularly, so don't really dress up too much in my everyday. I love getting home and getting off my work clothing and putting on a dress or skirt and top. I have to hide who I am mostly while working, for now, so I can be myself away from there. I have chatted with my boss regarding my plans to transition full-time later in the year. I am growing my hair, leaving work in my active wear, which isn't too confronting to my colleagues, to slowly acclimate them

I am really hoping that my life can settle a for period of time, so I can chill, focus on some study and just do this part of my life without too much drama. Being around a busier home definitely is having some benefit for me. I don't as feel lonely as I was getting during the quiet times in the last place. Having more bodies around, pets and generally a busier place is a lot more comforting. Maybe not for some people, but it is for me. It's also really nice to be somewhere that has some form of a family to me. I am not related to any of them in anyway, but I feel wanted and really close to them all. It's just nice. I do sometimes have to do a check of my emotions as I sometimes feel some happy tears welling up at the moment.

Taking a bit of a side step now, I have also been watching various YouTube videos, reading, and listening to people, and it has got me thinking about my path going forward. At times I feel like I've stepped onto a runaway train and there's no getting off. I've been swept up in the emotional wave of self discovery and made decisions that aren't exactly 100% accurate to who I am. I am thinking I need a couple of psychiatrist sessions to help me sort out some of my questions I am asking myself. So "what are these questions?" I hear you say! Firstly, "Am I truely MTF transgendered or am I Gender Fluid?" Somethings I wonder if the 42 years of being male will ever be just my past or will some of it transfer into my future. That sounds a little confusing. Do I still feel, want to be, present as a male? Will I be a complete person emotionally if I totally disassociate my male-ness and 100% embrace my female side. Will I feel loss and some wish I could be that previous version? Am I doing the right thing?

What I need to do, during these times of doubt, is to go back to my old writings when I was contemplating. I need to re-read them, ask those same questions, see if my answers come out differently. Will the answers just reaffirm exactly what I wanted back then, or do they see me alter my direction? Am I scared that those won't be the same? I think I might be, because I don't know what that will mean. When all goes quiet and I really look inside myself, the person I see is softer, gentler, and happier. So, does it matter what identity I take on? I think not. Actually I know it doesn't. I think I just don't associate with my reflection too much....I don't like my body as it is. This transforming is way too slow. I look down between my legs and imagine post surgery, and do I feel connected to either gender in those moments? One thing I do know, I don't feel that connected to keeping my penis. I do want to have gender reaffirming (reassignment) surgery. I love wearing pretty things, I love being girlie, I love the things I was told I shouldn't love.

I am Serah, I am girl, and I am transgendered. I exist, therefore, I am!!

Stay Beautiful, and be amazing!!!