Delving into some current thoughts and feelings

Here's one thing about writing a blog. Sometimes you write the same thing more than once. I cannot remember exactly everything I have writing, paragraph by paragraph. What I write on each blog post is what I am either feeling at the time of writing or what I am thinking about. So if I have writing about the same thing more than once, and possibly multiple times, please forgive me and please continue to read.

A cluster of strong thoughts and feelings have been recurring of late. I feel I need to let them have a voice so I can expel them and let the weight of them lift.

I have been constantly been really thinking quite a bit about my past, especially my school years, the way I interacted, or didn't interact to put it more precisely. I wonder how these people from my past will treat me in my future. I don't have much of a fond memory of my high school years. The high school I attended was a Catholic all boys school with boarders and day pupils. I happened to be a day pupil, along with my 2 brothers. The 3 of us were there altogether for 2 of my 5 years, and being the middle of 3 brothers, I had at least one throughout my school years there with me. Not that we hung out together or anything. As a student, I drifted in the background, I tried not to draw attention to myself, so much to the point I got bullied quite a bit at school. I became a bit of a target because I was so quiet. I wasn't flamboyant not did I stand out. High school, academically started very well, and the longer I remained, the worse I got. I went from a high achieving student to one that barely scraped by. No one seemed to notice just how much I was struggling. There was no intervention from the school, no teacher pulled me aside to try and discover why, and my needs as a family member were kind of high jacked by the more desperate needs of my younger brother as he teetered on falling completely off the rails, and health. I attempted to fit in, I tried joining in things, and a lot of the time, I felt shot down, unaccepted, or ridiculed, so I sort solitude. I just kind of existed. I do not blame anyone for my journey, my story. It just is what it is. The more school goes through my head, the more I wonder what my life would have been as the only sister and attending the girls school equivalent. I do drive past this school semi regular while I am working and I wonder, and I recall remembering the same thoughts as a high schooler.

The solitude I learnt to live with back then, has been something I have continued pattern that I seek most of my life, which brings to me another consistent feeling I have been having of late. That is loneliness. This is coming up mostly during the weekends when I am not working. How do I deal with the dread of loneliness. To be honest, I am not dealing very well with it the last few days. Normally I find something to distract me from feeling. Be it TV, Movies, games, something to concentrate on rather than feeling so alone. What did I used to do. I used to train for triathlons. I used to use exercise as a form of escapism. I don't seem to be doing much of that of late. And I make excuses for that. Today however, I rode my bike for 2 hours. Not a big deal for what I used to do, and I did struggle with the recovery today, but it is something I would like to embrace more and do for the right reasons. So how do I begin to get through this loneliness? Do I put myself out there in the dating world more? Do I force myself onto my friends more? I am not one who likes to interject into someone's personal time or space. I guess I am still that reserved, scared child with social anxieties and awkwardness. I do however have a much larger and way more supportive group of friends in my life these days, but all of them have their own lives too, they have partners and children in their worlds to fulfill the hole I currently am experiencing. In a few weeks my living situation changes again, the 5th time in 2 years. This time, I am really excited for this change. I am not saying I haven't enjoyed flatting without someone these last 6 months. This will be different. The dynamic will be a lot different with children in and out of this new place. This is a good change for me.

One thing I see to catch myself doing more and more, and even more, is comparing my facial structure and the details of biological female facial and body structures. I am trying desperately to see the changes in my features and physical development over the 7 1/2 months of hormones I have had, and I struggle to see it. I need an outside eye for comment here. I also am looking at possible procedures I really want to do, planning which ones mean more to me and ranking them. By doing this ranking system, these are the ones I really feel I need to happen, and which ones I can delay in order to save for. I am learning subtle makeup techniques to soften some of my stronger features, and enhancing my softer features. I do not really want to be someone who draws a lot of unwanted attention. I do not see myself as flamboyant. Just like I was as I was living as male, I prefered to be one of the many, not one of the few whom drew and demanded attention. I had to learn to talk to large groups, on stages etc but I always hated it. I just want to be someone who is accepted, with my gender identity and expression as a non issue. Living in Wellington, New Zealand does seem to make that somewhat easier than a lot of other places I could live, not only in this country, but globally.

It's not all doom and gloom in my world these days. Since coming out and embracing the real me, a lot of my previous social inhibitions have diminished. These days when I go out, I dance now. I never used to joined in, and when I did, I was so uptight, I never enjoyed it to the point it used to be a bone of contention in some situations. It's funny how this gender identity freedom has given me so much more enjoyment in my life. Yes I still have hurdles to overcome, but I am so much happier and content. My dark times are a lot less and more infrequent, but I have so much more fun these days. I do wish this discovery could have come earlier in my life, but I was not in a place where I was ready to learn this truth I learnt it when I was ready to learn it. I all now have to understand how best to deal with my above issues, address them and move on. Living more complete, and a happier life.

Stay beautiful, and be amazing!!