Doing my research, making my plan, and embracing my past

Over the last few weeks, I have begun to start assessing how my body is changing, how it's not changing, fixating on things that I wish I could change and even looking a bit more into all the various forms of feminization procedures. What it has brought more to my conscious thinking is just how much transformation I want to do. What do I feel are my priorities, which procedures I would rank higher than others. The ones I value higher on my priority list are not those which other trans people would consider their priority. We all have our own set of desires we wish to fulfill, and which ones are most important to us. It has me making my wish list, and making plans to achieve the ones on this list. Which ones do I feel are secondary to me and which ones I need to really save money towards. What can I sacrifice in the short term to get my best results.

Well my next big goal will be to go 24/7 female. My plan is to start to build a better wardrobe in order to be able to work as a professional woman. The way the work seasons work, I'm probably looking at a September/October time frame this year. My plan is to take an extended break from work, do some small procedures, do some things like ID change and then just start being me 100% of the time, and come back to work as a different person. It would feel like this past me has resigned, and there is a new employee who is pretty awesome at their job from day 1.

That is my plan.

Now, just where am I in achieving this plan. So my hair is getting longer, though not long enough to do much with it, it's at the messy length. Also, even though I cannot see it, my friends are commenting how my face is changing. My features are a shade softer apparently. I guess I'll have to take their word on that one. I have also been gently introducing my work colleagues into my gradual transition in front of them by the clothes I wear to and from work. During work hours, I still present as my former self, my "day mode" as I call it, but as I leave, I will change pants and tops to present clothing I am more comfortable wearing. I haven't worn a dress or skirt in front of them yet, but that will probably come soon enough. Slow baby steps for them, just as it has been for me. I think the worst thing I can do is go all boof-head into it and force a new me onto everyone, which would probably end up with an adverse effect. I am probably over thinking everything, but I've waited this long so far, going slowly and carefully is the right move for me.

The worst thing that I can see happening if I force this too early is me spiralling out of control, becoming mentally unwell, and nose diving into a complete mess. I am not fortunate enough to have a bundle of money put aside to do the works I wish, so I cannot lose my job. I need that income for a lot of reasons, and just to live is the biggest. Already in 2017, I have made positive changes, with more yet to come. I haven't felt this excited about my immediate future for the longest time, if ever. I have a direction and a want, probably for the first time in my life. Maybe the last time I felt like this, was when I started doing Triathlons back in early 2004, leading up to my first Ironman. This however, is life changing and more complete, more spiritually, deeper and fulfilling. I am happy, really happy, more complete for the only time in my life I can recall. That may not be easy for some people from my past to read, but hey, there's a reason why our relationship is in the past, and not the present.

2 weeks ago, I learnt that my mother's best friend had past away. Growing up as kids, she was just like a 2nd mum to us, more so me, as her son was pretty much the same age as I was. Naturally I was pretty sad upon hearing the news and it got me thinking back to my childhood, going back to my past. My memories wandered between my interactions with her and then it expanded to everyone else. I was so reserved, shy, quiet. That was always said about me, the constant theme of my childhood. I now can understand why I was like that, I was not able to be really the person inside, to really be free of those shackles of repression and fly high, be bright and shine. Oh well, can't change the past, I can only look to the future......I then started thinking about the funeral. How do I attend, as the person everyone knew me as, or the new me? I started a small bit of panic. I talked it over with my friend H and she put me straight. You go as you, and you are female. So I did.

I arrived by myself and took a deep breath and walked in. A quick scan around to see who I recognised, and the faces are some 20 years in my past. I found my parents and sat with them. They are kind of used to seeing my as female now, and expected me to be attending as such, even though we never spoke about it. The service was great, funny and very touching. Her son was celebrant and was spectacular. How did our lives separate to the point 20 odd years have gone by and we never saw each other. After the service I was approached by a woman I went to primary school with, trying to put a name to my face. I ended her misery and told her who I was, and we chatted for a bit, then I went around meeting people from my past and even the mother's of some of my childhood friends came to me to chat. Everyone was really nice and it has given me confidence to venture more into the world as myself, regardless of what I am wearing, how I am presenting. Out of all the faces in the class photo, I know for sure, I put on the best mask.

3 days later, I had another journey back to into my past by attending one of my best friend's engagement party. Some of these people have know me on and off for 25 years, some less. A couple of corrections to my name, prefix's and it was a great time. Thank the gods that it was a long weekend, and a day to sleep in to recover. All in all, it's been a pretty good start to 2017. Better things lie in waiting.

Stay beautiful and be amazing!!