I'm bouncing back
Since my last post, I have experienced a large range of emotions. Some really good ones, and some, not so much. What I did have, was another appointment with my physiatrist and he put things into a bit more perspective for me. After chatting and talking about these emotions, putting some context into each of these, it seems I'm actually allowed to feel these emotions. It's actually normal. I'm emotionally normal. Shit!! That's a new one!!
The things about being a depressive and anxious person, is that when I experience anything close to these emotions, I probably am so hypersensitive to them that I have this sensation that I am spinning out of control and spiralling into the abyss of my dark places. Having this knowledge has helped me turn around my mindset the last couple of days. Where I was feeling I was precariously on the ledge, ready to fall one way or the other, I now know that what I thought was a narrow ledge is actually a wide shelf where most people sit. It's actually liberating that the previous blog posts I have made are ok. The fear of having a depressive or an anxious moment has been taken away from me. I am now not scared to feel these emotions. Fear is the one thing that seems to be the big restrictor in everything I am not doing, or paranoid that I am losing control.
Fear is extremely powerful. It is also devious, subtle, destructive, suppressing and manipulative. Fear is not something you want hanging around for any periods of time, especially of any long periods. Fear has kept me from opening up to people, going places, doing things, having experiences and actually just living. Fear has a way of holding me into a pattern of just existing. Existing is not living. I now know that when I am so depressed, or anxious, and that when I am not able to do my daily basic functions, that is the sign I am needing additional help. Until then, I'm allowed to feel down, and to feel anxious. It is normal. I am normal.
In my last post I mentioned I was seriously considering restarting my anti-depressants, and I'm glad I gutted the hard few days out without resorting back to them just long enough to make it to me latest consultation, and that was such an empowering session. It is now 2 days later and everything is starting to sink in. I am better. I do still have a lot of work ahead of me, but right now, I am not dreading this work. I am actually looking forward to it. I have a great friend who also told me something, she is amazing at her job, really well thought of and given difficult portfolios and thrives. She has built her arsenal of skills and confidence that she is no longer happy doing the mundane tasks she could be doing for more reward, she seeks the areas that excite and challenge her. These are where she sees her growth. She is one of my most inspiring people I have been extremely lucky to meet this year, and is one of my best friends. Her small tidbits help me see my world differently. I need to own my mistakes, to take responsibility of areas I don't do so well and ask for help when I am out of my depth. I need to continue to grow, evolve, educate and seek the hard stuff.
As 2016 draws to a close, this has by far been my most dynamic year. I have met some amazing people, made some awesome friendships, but most of all, I have not learnt who I really am, I have learnt to embrace who I am and who I have been repressing. I am thankful to everyone who has come into my life, everyone who has left my life, and those few who have returned into my life. I have evolved and I am continuing to evolve more. I am excited for 2017.
My name is Serah. I am transgender. I am tall. I have big hands. I have big feet. I am woman.
Stay beautiful and be amazing!!
