One of my hardest weeks so far

Last week I was all over it, exercising everyday, motivated, eating well and feeling so good and got off my application for some study, then it rained. The weather all week has been rubbish and it seems my mood has followed suit. All the good work I did the previous week nose dived as I bunkered down at home, ate comfort food and just hid out and watched TV and movies. A total waste of my evenings as the rain kept coming down.

I should have been on a bit of a high after being accepted to begin studying next year, instead my initial thought was all about where to get the money from. A negative thought instead of a positive thought. That's just where my head has been at and still struggling to climb out of this downer I am in. Where did all the positive energy go? Why was it so easy for me a few years ago when I went training everyday in all sorts of weather? Can I get back there? Should I abandon all those things that I am struggling to maintain and go back to what worked for me some 13 years ago? So what is different now?

Back then I didn't have anyone in my life, only had work in my life, just like I do now. What I did have was a strong desire to change my world with a clear goal, wanting to do triathlon and an Ironman. Those I have done multiple times and for multiple years, and is it I feel that I am content with that part of my life and don't have the need to do that again? Is it that I feel lost without a strong driving desire? Is it that I have aged and so has my body and I ache more than I used to? Do I no longer want to hurt any more? Is my transformation also getting in my way to achieve this goal of change? I have achieved a few things in my life so far that I have to keep remembering were amazing, recalling places I've travelled to, experiences I've had people only hope to have done. Photos are a fantastic resource for this, to help me relive things I've done. I do, at times, desperately wish I was back there doing these adventures, being as fit as I was in my past. I know I can do it because I have done it before. My history is my teacher and I have done this, so why am I constantly not able to succeed in these activities, to be consistent and successful?

I reached out on my facebook page for some help, after reading a couple of generic posts about helping people who are struggling. A few friends message me directly asking if I was ok, and that was great, had a couple of face to face conversations, but did get a bit disheartened by the generic "like" button replies. I know I should see it as support but what's the point in putting it out there that I am struggling and it's a dismissive "thumbs up" reaction. You know I actually am needing some help, someone to talk to, a hug, a phone call, an honest conversation or messenger inactive conversation. It's frustrating that people say they want to help, but when there is a genuine call out for the advertised want to help, it is not present. I just had a rant on Facebook expression my frustration and hopefully it questions people's morals when copy and pasting messages of support when they do not follow through with the help they are supposed to be presenting. I'm in pain and need help. I put my pain out there because people were saying they wanted to help and I really want their help. But where the hell is it?

Am I getting more worked up because I'm getting more emotional, or is my reaction justified? Is my hormonal changes really starting to compound my depressive tendencies more or am I just having a shit week? I really hope that tomorrow is a much better day after a good night's sleep.