Learning to accept myself

The last couple of weeks I have just been going about my life and business as normal. I can feel my dysphoria slowly creeping up on me, beginning to take over my thoughts. The more these thoughts begin to take over, the more I feel somewhat isolated, anxious and restless about my physical presentation. I desire to embrace my female form more and more. I desperately wish to wake in the mornings, see myself and see someone in the mirror who is happy and content with their physical appearance. To see a softer face, happier eyes, fuller cheeks and longer hair. Things are changing, but not fast enough.

A few of my friends have been commenting that I am beginning to look prettier when I am in not made up, in my raw look, so I shall take the compliment and begin to take a kinder approach as I look into the mirror and not be so harsh on myself. I know I need to be more patient and the let the hormones take their effect. They are starting to take effect physically. It is subtle but they are definitely having effect. Most noticeably is the small breast development. I really noticed it on Saturday when I went running. Within the first 100m of starting to run I knew that I my breasts have indeed started to take form. The really hurt with each step, as they bounced. I really need to make decisions based on that with my clothing. Now I need to wear a sports bra, and it's one step closer to being a presentable woman. Not that I'm complaining, but the aching didn't stop for the 45 minutes I was running.

I am struggling to fully embrace and believe I am a woman. I really do want to feel female from the moment I wake each day, to the moment I sleep. Part of me is struggling to let go of the 42 years of social conditioning, the delusions of being 2 people. One who isn't happy with the physical appearance and is desperate to go through the metamorphosis and be fully female, both physically and mentally. The other is happy, feminine but a little lost. She wants to desperately to fully embrace who she is but knows that it is only a temporary fix.

On Saturday I was fortunate to be invited to a farewell party of a friend. He is going to be travelling for the next 15 months so he will be a loss for me during this time, but it a bond that came along at the right time. He was the first person that I felt comfortable and safe enough to be truthful to. He was my first person I came out to and let know I am actually female. This was not easy for me, but he was extremely excited by my news. From this point, he also developed and told me that I gave him the strength and bravery to embrace his hidden side. He embraced his extravagant and flamboyant side and started in the Drag Scene of Wellington. We were the right people at the right time in each of our lives, and a special bond that will be life long I'm sure.

At this party, I did have a somewhat unusual conversation. We were both there for over an hour, had a small bit of interaction, and then he asked me, somewhat drunkenly politely, am I trans. Auto response was yes, when my response should have in fact been simply "I am a woman". He started chatting and wanted to know a couple of things then started telling me he was a gay guy but found himself attracted to me. This started me thinking as I was far more sober than he, and as we continued to chat, my friend did somewhat step in and say that the questions were a bit too intimate for a party and were for close friends. This too got me thinking. I loved that he stepped in for me, to protect me. Not many in my life have ever done something like that for me before. That was a something I was not expecting. I am used to doing everything alone. Now back to the original convo. I began to question why because he now had the knowledge I was a trans female, he was suddenly attracted to me. He originally perceived me as a woman, and then that changed with a bit of knowledge. I corrected him and defended that I was not a guy dressing up as a woman, but I was a woman. Now we continued to make small talk and chatted on and off all night but it has got me to really open my eyes, mind, heart and soul up about being completely female.

The rest of the night was great. I meet some amazing people of all sorts of character. Men, women, drags, crossdressers, burlesque, straight, gay and everything else. Fun people to be around and I always found myself in conversation all night. Not bad for someone who turned up by themselves, knowing only the host and has some anxieties about new places and social scenes. The whole experience has gotten me to understand somewhat more about who I am right now, what I at mentally and physically at right this moment, what I have already embraced, and what I yet to fully embrace. I guess, once the reflection in the mirror matches how I feel on the inside, this turmoil will subside. I am gearing up for my follow up with the endocrinologist in 2 weeks so hoping I am not showing anything other than what is to me expected. I'm loving the fact I am on the road to finding my inner peace and happiness. I am just a little impatient is all.

Please watch this attached YouTube Videos, which is also on my resources page, as this does help people to understand that we, as MTF women, are just wanting to be treated like any other woman and are just trying to figure this shit out as we go. We are female, and we need some help along the way. There are so many things that CIS women just take for granted that we are either terrified in doing or just won't do because of debilitating fear. I hope these simple messages are something you all share.

Love you all, and again, thank you so much for reading.