Change is good, but it can get pretty lonely

I knew that when I decided that HRT's was the way forward for me, change was going to happen, physically and mentally. Both are a gradual process and the feelings associated with both forms of changing is not the easiest to deal with. Sometimes I wonder whether it is my depression, anxieties from my own mental health issues, or it is the hormones making me feel this way. I know I am at peace and relieved from the burden of the turmoil I have struggled with in my entire life. I know who I am finally. I know what physical presentation of myself I am most happy with, who I want to be. No one has prepared me enough for the struggles I am starting to face, whether it is of my own doing, my own insecurities or purely paranoia.

For starters, I haven't got a proper mentor that has gone before me that can answer some of the questions I have. Someone who I can relate to, someone who I can befriend that genuinely is there for me. I have a lot of questions about some of the physical changes that are starting to happen, the anxieties that are creeping in, the emotional roller coaster that comes and goes. I've never been too great at reaching out for help in my past, now I really want to reach out but I don't know where to look. So far my circle is limited. Maybe I'm a bit judgey, reserved, cautious and ultimately scared. The people I have met, welcomed me and helped me bring out the girl inside, aren't necessary the people I feel I can confide in with these questions. It's not that I don't think they aren't nice and genuine people, it's that I don't think they get exactly what help I really am needing.

Physically, I am changing a small bit. My nipples are extremely sensitive. I have to carry things differently now. I cannot hold things to my chest as I would normally do. The sensitivity scale would be 9 - 9 1/2 out of 10. They don't hurt, just overly sensitive. They are starting to get a lot firmer around the nipple. Is this normal? Will this subside? Will they always be this sensitive? Will they get more sensitive as they grow more? How soon will there be significant growth? When does the other physical changes start become more noticeable? How much longer can I get by doing my current job before I really need start making decisions regarding living 24/7? How much change can I expect from the hormones and how much will plastic surgery come into play? See, so many questions, and these are the ones I don't have to think hard about.

I think I am feeling lost, due to a few things. I think it's that I am no longer feeling comfortable in the form I wake in. I am so disassociated with what I see in the mirror, I lust for more defined changes but are only minor, subtle and practically invisible changes. I guess I am in a no man's land between the 2 sexes. I am not male and I am wanting to be female, but don't feel I am there yet. I have this picture in my head what I want to look like and I am not there, and I am desperate to get there. I know I am out of balance, my headspace and my physical form are not where I need to be. I think I have to look at my wardrobe and phase out the male stuff and dress/look more androgynous in my day to day going forward until I do the full 24/7 change.

I don't enjoy being seen as male, treated as male, spoken to as male when I am mentally not engaged in the male world any longer. I hate that male bravado these days, the dick measuring contests, the sexist jokes and innuendos. I also hate that some people who know my truth are unable to begin to make small adjustments to their conversations to either include me in female things, or shut up when being utter blokes.

This whole post seems like a big old moan session. I did say in my overview that I'll share my ups and downs. This is my story. I know where I am heading. I know I am generally much happier in my life. I am at peace, unlike since I hit puberty and became extremely lost and confused with the world, now I am just impatient. I am female in my soul, I just want my body to reflect that so things are easier, from morning to evening.

Thank you all for reading and I do really appreciate the love and support. I love you all.