HRT's aren't the magic bullet....

If you've read my last couple of posts, you will know that my depression has come back and bit me in my ass, making me become a bit more repressed and withdrawn from socialising etc. A few of my friends have commented that they haven't seen me for a while, and to them I am sorry. I am not intentionally ignoring you, this is just how I behave when I am struggling with my world. I withdraw and go quiet. If you think you don't know how to help someone suffering with a mental illness, the smallest gestures of help go a long way, give them a message, a text, a call and let them know you care and are thinking of them. It may not seem much, but trust me, it does a lot of difference. And when we come out of the shadows, we will let you know. This has also gotten me to thinking about how much my life has changed so far this year, how much is the same, and where I am heading. I have been reading, listening and chatting with many people involved in and around the transgender community, getting the tips that will help me to process, progress and accept everything so far, and to help prepare for what is to come. There is one strong trend that does strike home, and it is not wrong at all.

Receiving Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT'S) drugs is not the silver bullet that fixes everything that we feel is wrong with our world. Yes, it does give our lives up to this point some validity, some security that we born assigned with the wrong genitals, some peace of mind that we are being accepted to be the person we know we were supposed to be and relief from our anxieties. The anxiety that we won't get the HRT's is probably the biggest critical moment for most transgender people wanting to alter their physical appearance, the anxiety of the rejection we are not able to go through physical metamorphosis. It could be world destroying that rejection. But being given the prescription and starting the treatment is not the big old cure for all our problems in the world. In fact, the way I have been behaving, thinking and feeling of late, it's probably making the world around us a lot more confusing, scary, uncertain and downright shitty. I still am struggling with never being able to save enough money each week, and not having any real financial security since my last relationship breakup and by screwing me over by lawyers etc. In fact, with spending money on new items such as makeup, clothes, shoes and beauty treatments, I am probably worse off than I was on the money side of things. But at least I know how I want to use my income now.

For some 25 years of being in the working world, I was never given guidance with money, never worried too much about the future, had no real plan. I lived for the moment, bought crap as a way of distracting myself from what was making me so unhappy, depressed and confused. I numbed myself from the realities of the real world. I do not blame anyone, and I actually don't regret that much. I was reckless but did it instead of drinking, doing drugs, breaking the law and I also survived. I am a survivor. I have managed to come to the absolute best period of my life I have ever experienced, and I have done some pretty incredible things, been to some pretty incredible places, but I'd rather be doing what I am now, than any of those other things. I am writing an unfortunate coincidence that birthed me male instead of female. But this is not easy and simple as a fairytale. It's hard. It's confusing. It's fucking scary. My problems have come along for the ride too. They haven't magically dissappeared just because I'm taking 2 little pills each day. In fact, they are contributing to possibly more issues than I already had. It's true that they the thing that I want and need to migrate to present, be seen, be accepted and loved as the woman I am. But they are also making me go crazy. I cannot help these thoughts and at times I feel I am losing my grip.

I took a week off work and even though I feel physically rested, I feel just as mentally drained as I was before I took leave. The schizophrenic world I am in right now is just so damn hard. I never knew it would be so much of mind fuck. I know I only wrote a post yesterday, but if I don't vent these thoughts out of me and onto my blog, I just might continue to spiral downwards instead of coming up towards the sunshine.

Thanks again for taking the time to read my blog. I know it's not as glamorous and sparkly as some people want the world to present, but the truth is, this is my truth, my story, my feelings and thoughts. I know that this is temporary and anyone going through or been through similar experiences, please drop me a message. I'd love to chat.

Serah X X

(I'm sorry for the the swearing in this post, but it's the only description I can use to emphasise just the right amount of frustration accurately)