How I've been dealing with my bad moments

Over the past 2 weeks, I have been down, and I have been up. Being someone who suffers from depression, the downs really take a fairly heavy toll. I don't know if this bout of depression felt bigger and darker than other bouts, but it is the first one that I got more emotionally invested in it. I'm not sure if it was because it started by an absolute feeling of rejection for the first time as a female, the hormones escalating the emotional responses, having not being depressed for an extended period of time, physical fatigue, mental fatigue or most probably a combination of all of the above.

Since my last blog post, I have made up with my friend, which is such a relief, I have taken a week off work to decompress a bit from the day to day grind, be able to wake/sleep/live and be female pretty much 24/7 most of this week. I know I am on the right path, with the changes taking place, physically, emotionally and mentally. I got a bit pampered, hung out with people in ways I had always would have liked to, doing things I secretly wanted to do. I got my nails done with acrylics and wore them most of the week. Now they are off, it saddens me. they made me feel way more feminine, and for the first time, I started really feeling a disconnect from the previous life I have been used to living. It was not much but the sensations of having beautiful nails reinforces that I am doing what is right for me, no one else, just me. The first night wearing the nails was very awkward, especially trying to remove my contact lenses. YouTube is an amazing resource.

I have stayed away from taking any antidepressants, and last time I was on them full time was well over 2 years ago. When I started taking antidepressants about 5 years ago, they definitely helped me then. They took away the massive emotional rollercoaster I was one, the anxiety, and calmed me down from being explosive, but the side effect was the passion I had for my sport, the desire to stay active, push past the discomfort and train. I put on weight, and as I tried different pills, my anger and frustrations came and went and also had side effects I didn't like. Even though they helped with my emotional stability, they affected my lows, which was the intention, but they also affected my highs. They weren't a real solution as I tempered the fun I had in training hard. This does also lead onto how I feel about exercising now. I struggle to get back to doing what I used to love to do. I miss that love for riding a bike, swimming hard, running, and racing. Now when I begin to exercise, I feel very awkward. I want to exercise, but I also want to present female as I exercise. I have this horrible sensation of being stuck in between 2 worlds. I am no longer male, but I am not quite female. If I dress male, I get this complete deflation and the enjoyment and endorphins I should be receiving, I just don't. If I go out trying to not be male, it is not practical to exercise female. I can't run with a wig on, I can't waste 20-40 minutes fixing my face to make myself passable as a woman to get out the door and just exercise. Everything is a compromise. The lack of mental stimulation as I exercise is really a massive barrier for me these days. I ache from old injuries to my feet, knee, elbow, back but the hardest injury is the one which took away the love/desire/want to train.

In my previous life, I have done multiple Ironman Triathlons, Half Ironman Races, represented my country at multiple Age Group Triathlon World Championships, Coached spanning almost 12 years. I was asked to do a race in December 2017 and it got me thinking. I want to exercise again. I love the way it makes me feel. Strong, healthy and happy. Then as I thought about the start line, I began to really think about which start line. The old start line, the male race, a new start line, the females start line, and which one I wanted to start on. If I was to race again, I only want to do it from the woman's start line. And that brings up even more problems. When is it practical for me to front on the female's start line? How do I manage the swimming training? What do I wear at the pool? Would I be accepted by a world I have left behind me, especially as a woman? How long will it take before it is practical for me to present female and to begin to enjoy exercising properly as a female? So many many thoughts around this one question posed to to me. I know I can do this. I have done this already. I went from an overweight couch potato to pretty good Age Group Athlete, to a coach who had reasonable success with their athlete's. I know all the benefits associated with it. I know the things to do, so what is stopping me? I know what I would like to be doing. I know I always envied the women when I was training and racing. I used to project myself into their bodies and want to be one of them. Can I be one of them?

Do I just have to accepted where I am right now, just step up and quit making excuses for why I am not doing exercise, and just damn well start? What is it that is lacking that gave me success before? Do I need to be held accountable to someone else? Do I need outside stimulus, peer pressure, a regular training buddy? As I think about this, I project into the 5 year future. Where will I be? Who will I be? What do I want to be doing? Am I strong enough to be a pioneer in a vocation where I will meet very strong resistance? Will it all be worth it? Will it make me happy? And it's not just about competing in a sport. It's also true with my work environment too.

I think I need a little bit of help to be successful once again.