Surfing the wave, the good and the bad

Ever since I became aware of my gender dysphoria, I have been riding a wave which has pretty much been an upswing, the last week however, has been a different story. I feel off the surfboard and into a big old wave of depression. I can tell you that I wasn't prepared for it, and I certainly haven't been that great at swimming my way back to the board of good times.

It all started when I said something silly that hurt a good friend of mine. I wasn't a good friend and I certainly wasn't aware how fragile she was at the time. That being said, I was pretty shaken and ended up kind stranded in town. I wasn't quite alone, but I certainly felt really lonely really quickly. It took a lot of effort not to burst into tears as the emotions overtook me. It's the first time I have felt rejection as a woman, and it totally sucked. Maybe everything was amplified with the decrease of testosterone, and the increase of estrogen, or maybe it was that I felt really vulnerable, and alone. But mostly the rejection of the moment smashed through everything, knocking me off like a rouge wave blindsiding me into the whitewash. I spent the next 36 hours trying to be distracted, just like I always have done, avoiding my emotions, as I was just barely holding back the tears.

Even being pretty down, I went out with some old friends and they got to me me as Serah for the first time. Their excitement and their support was a huge lift. Not only did I do that, I went and caught up with other friends and they too, met the real me for the first time. It's kind of like grabbing the surfboard, having a break on the beach before wading back into the shallows and heading out looking for a new set. Jumping back into the waves, the rollercoaster that is life, my life. It doesn't matter how I feel, what I do, what day it is, the world will keep moving along. Now I have the choice to ignore the facts, that the sun has risen, or I can embrace it and rush out to meet the sunrise.

Not only that I was feeling overwhelmed emotionally, I let it affect me at work. I have tried really hard to keep my transition from entering my performance at work. I guess as the emotions rise and fall, I guess that will be something I will have to be more conscious of going forward. Over the last 18 months, work which was my one sanctuary, my happy place, the most stable thing in my world. Now it is something that is not necessarily my happy place. It's where I feel I am the least like myself. The place where I am hiding who I really am to my colleagues, and the world. It is where I have to be fake, where I take backward steps as I journey towards my goal of living a full and happier life. But being completely honest, is anyone ready, is my wardrobe ready?

Emotionally I have gone through the wringer the last 8 days, and I'm still here, making progress forward. I have had doubts that I am on the right path these last few days, then I realise that I am very comfortable shopping as a woman, going out during the day, into public spaces, conversing and interacting with people, shop people, strangers. I am most happy being female, presenting female, living female. What I am not that confident is opening up to people who only know me as a male, who have only ever know me as a male. Once I get over the hurdle of presenting to the people in my day to day world, I know I will only want to be presenting 24/7 as female. It is the true expression of who I am. It is who I am. Everyone who has meet me as Serah, who has know me previously, has commented how happier I look, how more engaging I am as a person.

I am missing my friend, someone who has had my back throughout my journey so far. I wish I could take back my stupid comment, the hurt I caused, but I cannot. I have to own it, process it, learn from it and move on. I love my new life, it's not complete yet, but it's so much more fun than the way I was living before. As I think about where I am heading towards, I would be lying if I didn't say I get scared of the future, I create my own doubts and fears, then I remember the excitement of wandering through clothing shops uninhibited with the shackles of a guy in a girls clothing shop, make up section, underwear section. I don't have to make bullshit excuses why I am shopping there, I can just be. It's awesome. I love being female, and I can't wait until I can just head out the door without the prep work. Each time I have to primp and prime, shave and cover. I do love the transformation I undertake, but right this moment, I just want to head to the supermarket. I either have to do a complete wardrobe change, or I have to shave and apply basic makeup. I am in half-way mode. This is probably going to be the hardest time I think. As you can tell, it's not all roses and candy floss. It's been hard, and emotional.

Anyway, as always, thank you for reading. Lots of love. X X X