Life is moving along

It's been almost 2 weeks since I have posted. And I have been out a lot. I now have been to dinner, fringe type bars, main stream bars, shopping malls, busy parts of the city, out during the day time, cafes, almost everywhere Wellington can offer me. I don't feel like there isn't an area I couldn't go. I have been to the women's bathrooms at bars, movie theaters but I haven't braved it yet to go to the one in a mall. Those may take some getting used to, as most of the times I've needed to go have been in the evenings, at bars etc. Somehow I get the feeling that a bathroom in a mall is the most daunting of them all. It is probably in my head, and it's the one that is shown on TV the most, where the majority of trans discrimination happens. No wonder we are terrified.

I have been monitoring my body a bit, been doing a private photo diary around any changes, taken some measurements. I am happy to same I have a small bit of boob growth, not much but just enough to make me a bit more conscious of my body changing. Now that I am changing, I feel I am moving away from the guy things I would normally get involved in, but I haven't been integrated into the embrace as a woman. I am back at high school. I am in between worlds again. This could be a really hard time going forward, a time of despair and isolation. Luckily I have a great group of new friends that is very inclusive and I don't feel I am missing out on too much. I am however going to a sporting event, Super Rugby Grand Final, with the lads from work. Part of me is excited, and another part of me is quite sad. I normally have the weekends to be free and be me, but around everyone at work, I still present as male. I know when I do present to people at work, I will want to start to live 24/7 as a woman. So the issue is 2 fold, work is not setup ready for me to transition so soon to cease doing the role I am currently doing, and I don't have the wardrobe/body to pass on a daily basis yet. It is coming, but not yet. Patience dear, patience.

I have started laser hair removal for my face now, and the place I am using is great. I got some really good advice before I made my decision before I began, as I was weighing up do I just use a hair removal specialist or a place that does hair removal and skin care. Go with the place that isn't trying to sell you add-on after add-on. Go with just a hair removal place. This exercise is going to be expensive anyway, so be wise with the choices, and not go somewhere that will see us as "sell them everything because they believe they need anything and everything". I think we are probably the most susceptible demographic when it comes to the beauty industry. We want to change so badly that we'll believe anything if we believe they are an expert. They not truely care enough to give us the best advice we need, they may have just only care about their pockets. I know it's a little pessimistic, but I am not wealthy, so this is an area that I do need to be wise in. Not only do I need to do my face, but I have my body to get treated too, and the area I want to treat first after my face is my chest. Who the hell wants hairy boobs and cleavage? Ahhh, no one.

Another thing I have learnt is that I need to learn how to change the tone of my voice in a safe way. I read an article about a speech therapist who helps transgender people to alter their voices. By learning correct ways to alter the tone (mostly for MTF) it won't stress and stretch the vocal cords, growing nodules etc on the vocals cords, causing permanent damage. I happen to have a friend from my past life who happens to be a professional speech therapist so I am hoping she can help me, and possibly others in my area. This I will keep people informed and see where this leads. I am very keen to learn to have a real voice, not a phoney voice. I would love to be able to help my fellow transgenders to be as real as they can be.

I also have another good friend (E) who has many hidden talents. Having been involved with beauty pageants in her past, she has been helping a small group of new ladies some basic techniques, like walking, sitting, turning, and soon, with help, makeup, fashion and general lady stuff. So far, I've been having fun, but I had my first casualty on Sunday. I broke my first heel....The utter horror and extreme disappointment. Luckily I had a 2nd pair of shoes to wear, and then to make things better, a trip to the new David Jones Store in Wellington. Such lovely shoes. Oh god, I wanted to wear them. Louis Vuitton, Jimmy Choo's, Valentino's and the rest. I think I want to work there. AND that was only the show section. The amazing dresses, skirts, make up sections. I am screwed. The staff were all really great. I went fully dressed, and zero issues. I also loved the freedom of being able to wander and browse as a woman, probably the first time ever, spoken to and treated as a women too. I was happy and excited. I was on a high from such a simple experience. I love my weekends now, and because of this freedom, I am partially reluctant to go to the Rugby Final on Saturday night. being one of the lads isn't really what I want to be, but I still love the sport.

I think that this may in fact be my last live sports event as a male. I'll go and enjoy myself for sure, and I will just be in the moment. No need to dwell on something that will make the experience lesser than what it should be. What I have learnt, and I am am trying to do, is live in the moment and enjoy the moment. Stop and enjoy where I am am, let my fears go, don't let the anxiety ruin something that should be fun or exhilarating. And on that note, live in the moment, enjoy the now, don't let the fear hold you back or down. Live big and true.

Thanks for reading once more, and if you have any comments or questions, please leave feedback.

Serah

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