First real shopping experience

Since the stresses of the previous week have pretty much been pacified, I have found myself moving about with a certain amount of freedom I don't think I've ever felt before. Some kind of calm in my world. I had the comment today that I am not as critical about things, places and people. I have lost the edge of frustration or air of anger that followed me. That in itself was so fantastic to hear that they had noticed. Part of my goal when I began my psychiatrist appointments was to find a happier place, and I can honestly say, I currently am in a happier place.

Over the last week, I have been out to the local bar a number of times, to the supermarket, to the mall, to a fundraiser movie night, out for dinner and back to the movies. I am starting to live more outside of work and I have a small but supportive friend and social group who are a very diverse but accepting community, which has been a fantastic blessing.

The best thing over the last few days is that I have also gotten to know T a lot more. She has been a wonderful source of information and also inspiration. She is here her for another week before she heads home in Asia. I will be sad when she does, but I believe I have made a life long friend, which has always been very hard for me to do. I have always found it very hard to make good friends and keep them in my life. I have never been able to be completely open and true to them, because I never truely knew who I was. T believes I will be more open to loving people more because I am able to give everything I am to them, no secrets, no hidden demons. That itself does scare me somewhat, but also makes me a little happier, hopeful that I will have more love and support in my life than I have ever had before.

So far I have only had good experiences, and all my fears have for the most part been only in my head rather than a reality. I have feared strange looks, stares, finger pointing and rude comments. So far I haven't experienced any of this behaviour. Definitely not to my face or within earshot anyway, so what I am oblivious or ignorant to, does not actually happen. I spend most of my away from work time dressed as my female self, not always made up, but definitely in the mental space. I am house sitting for the next 2 months and having my own space is really nice, but there is also something nice about having company, even if there isn't much conversation at times.

As the hormones start to take effect, I can only notice one main change at present, and that is the lack of the morning erection. In fact, come to think of it, I don't really get horny either. I was advised that my libido would probably decrease. I hope it passes.

Now Thursday night, I attended a fundraiser movie night, the new Ghostbusters film, for Naming NZ, which is a charity to help transgender teens to legally change their names. They started off in Wellington and so far in 12 months, help 15 people, and have the intention to branch to Auckland this year. If you are reading this, please click the link to Naming NZ and donate. It is a wonderful cause, and when someone so young has no original form of ID, the process can be very difficult. It also has gotten me to think, just how far I want to go with changing my name. Should I start doing some things now?

I guess I already have. I did my optometrist appointment on Friday, and got me records there altered. I arrived in my female attire, and a first trip to a mall, overly paranoid entering and walking through, yet again. I didn't want to rush into the store. Once I got there, the staff were super super nice and polite. They also had prepared a large range of frames for me to try. The staff member who helped me the most (S) said that they had a lot of fun doing that, and some were a little sad they had to leave before I arrived. S and I got into chatting a bit, no one has ever opened up to me so quickly. She thanked me for being brave so her son could grow up in a world were if he was trans, he wouldn't go through the stigma because of the bravery of girls and boys like me. I almost cried. We ended up chatting until the mall itself was closing up. One of the best shopping experiences I've ever had, and I've been going to the that store for the past 7 years already. I'll probably always use them too. On my way home I did another first, I went to the supermarket. Not much but for me it's another step to living more.

Saturday evening, another first. Dinner at a restaurant! A nice Indian meal with 6 others before we headed to the movies to watch Tarzan. Walking through, standing in crowded public spaces was something only a couple of weeks ago I was super paranoid about. I am still a bit scared, but the anxiety has diminished to manageable levels. Also while at the theatre, my most dreaded moment came. I had to use the bathroom!!!! A bit of panic started to set in as I couldn't avoid this moment any

longer. I took a deep breath and entered the women's bathroom, praying it to be empty. Thankfully yes, but next time, probably not so. After the not-so-bad movie, we went to a cafe which was packed. A couple of looks but nothing uncomfortable, threatening or even awkward, but still I felt better in a group than if there was only 2 of us, or solo. After that, out to a bar where it was just myself and T. We chatted for ages, even exchanged some old boy pics, had a laugh or 2 at them, and in those photos, we could see that neither of us had that sparkle in our eyes we currently do. I think the world of her and all I see is this beautiful woman who is happy and living her life in such a big a bright way. T continues to tell me that I am not far behind her, and in some ways I am ahead of her, that I do not see, but I thank her all the same.

So to sum up this last little part of my story, I have never been more free, happy or optimistic. There are things I really want to do, experiences I want to have, places I want to go, but who do I want to do these as? Exactly what can I get done to help me be the woman that is just bursting to come out and live 24/7? How much can those around me absorb at anyone time? When do I present to my family? When I do present to my work colleagues? What kind of time frame am I on before I can put my male version into the first part of my life story, and turn to the new chapter as the female version for the last part of my story?

These are the big questions and now is not the time for those to be answered. Once again, from the bottom of my heart, I thank you for reading this blog.

Serah

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