4 Days On

So it been 4 days since I started hormone replacement therapy, and what's been happening. To be perfectly honest, nothing. The biggest thing that has happened is my mental state. Thursday I was all over the place, even right up until I went to sleep. The full impact on what I was doing probably still hasn't hit home yet, and probably won't until I start to see some physical signs. I am pretty sure it's psychosomatic, but I feel some tingles in my chest from time to times.

One thing I forgot to mention in my last post was the costs for the hormones. Because I went through the NZ public health system, I got my referrals, each prescription cost me $5 each, and the consultation was paid for by the District Health Board (DHB). So that part of transitioning is not very expensive. Everything else. Not so cheap.

Since Thursday, starting my chemical/hormone transition earlier than expected, it has got me to jump forward a bit with my planning and thought process. I am now feeling more restless about wanting to go out more and more in public instead of being indoors. Now the only real problem I am facing is the lack of a friend group that;

a.) lives near me

b.) don't have children

c.) similar age

d.) know me as Serah

e.) going out to places as a solo woman feels inappropriate

So with these in mind, I am probably making excuses why I don't go out more. I need to push my limits some more and just go out. I shouldn't give a toss about what the world and the people think, but I also need to be safe too, not stupid.

Today I went to my optometrist regarding my annual check up, and new glasses. I don't know what it was but today I really felt awkward telling the lovely staff member about my transitioning. Maybe it was the fact I hadn't shaved my face, and I really wasn't presenting very femme today, let alone feeling very femme. Once past the awkwardness of saying I have started HRT's and was looking for some specs to soften my face, then everything changed and she was fantastic. I spent time trying on different styles, shapes, colours and I have booked a really late appointment so I can hang around until late, hopefully dressed to some extent, and really check my look out.

I also had already booked a consultation for laser hair removal on Wednesday, and I have an evening out on Tuesday, so that means shaving, and thus, having to reschedule my appointment. Being a Sunday, I took the time to head to the clinic at the mall to do such. Again I struggled to tell the lovely lady what I was doing. Once I did, again the same warm compassionate response. She squeezed in a brief consult for me and assessed my hair colour. So for those who don't know about laser hair treatment, the laser/heat needs the colour pigments to pass the heat through to the root of the hair follicle. Without this, it does nothing. And I have a mixture of colours on my face, so I'd get a patchy result at best, but hopefully along with the HRT's, it would be more manageable than what I have to work with now. But I have a lot of real estate to do. I'm not a hairy person, but I do have an average coverage of body hair, and not too dark. Normally a good thing when trying to pass, but in this instance, not so good. Oh well it is what it is. Make a plan and go with it.

Now while I was at the mall I remembered that I hate those places at the moment. And why is that?

PUBLIC BATHROOMS!!!!

This is how I feel when I think about coming to the mall or public space dressed as Serah.

What one do I use? Do I feel comfortable using the woman's? Nope. Do I feel less distress thinking about using the guys? Nope. Neither option for me is a good one. Both are shit as far as I am concerned. So what is the solution. Use the parents room? Use the disabled? Are there either of these to use where I am at. Do I start going places based on what kind of bathrooms they have? So my solution is do not have anything to drink and pray like hell I don't need to go. So far it's working. Not a real solution, but it's all I have to go with. To say I'm terrified of the bathroom issue is fairly accurate. I really feel for all the transgenders out there that are forced into ridiculous situations where they clearly present as one sex and being forced into their birth bathrooms. We are the lowest demographic that have predatory tendencies or motives. Most of us are more akin to the victims rather than the abusers. So why are the transphobic bureaucrats so hard on us? It's hard enough as it is. This is already embarrassing for us now, so why do we have to fight just so we don't get put in vulnerable positions and locations?

To be fair, Wellington is fairly liberal and there are a lot of places I can use parent rooms, disabled bathrooms, but I always feel someone else could be better using the room than myself. So where does that put me? In no (wo)man's land. This topic is pushing buttons on a national and international level, so for my 2 cents, there needs to be more of these All Gender Bathrooms everywhere.

There is definitely a cast involved to have these, but we as a people are only getting more brave and wanting to live full lives, in public spaces, so we do need to have somewhere safe to go to the bathroom. I get it, people have issues. We all have some sort of issue, some just have gender and bathrooms as one of them.

As always, thank you for reading. Hopefully by the time I post again, I will be able to give some more insight as to my transformation.

Serah X X X