A New Start - Post endocrinologist appointment

June 30, 2016. Just another day for the rest of the world. Today, for me it is a special day, and will always be a special day. It started with waking up and feeling my anxiety levels at very high level. I haven't felt this anxious for the longest time, probably years. I'm not sure what was making me more anxious, the fear of what the appointment was going to be, or what the hell to wear. Should I wear my male work clothes, or should I go fully made up, should I go with my wig on, or not. What the hell..... I ended up going a little conservative, pair of female jeans, unisex boots, blouse under my work jacket.

Once I got to the clinic, the nerves skyrocketed. What the f*** was I doing! Do I really want this appointment? Do I want help to change? Can I go through with this? This is so damn crazy. I took a few deep breaths and got out of the car and inside, to do this. To make a positive change for myself. Besides, it's an initial consult, what's the best that's going to happen? A follow up appointment in a couple of months. Now inside I walk to reception, then while waiting I got weighed and height measured. Yep, still tall, and yep, still too heavy, no surprise there, and back to the waiting area.

Then the moment I was there for, out comes the doctor and I remember 2 things. I thought he was cute and he looked very warm and comforting, and made me feel semi relaxed straight away. Into the consultation room, pleasantries exchanged, and I told him how nervous I was. He explained the role of what endocrinologists do, which is monitor hormones in the human body, and administer treatment accordingly. I have spent a bit of time there in the past while a previous partner was being investigated for a serious illness and we chatted about that which helped me relax. So in my case, and other transgendered people, he said, this is the fun side of his job. They mostly see and deal with sick people and help them. He was excited to be able to help, which made me feel great. He asked the normal questions I suspected were coming. How long have I been experiencing gender identity issues, how I came to make this decision to want to change, family and personal health history blah blah blah...(read previous blogs) and after 20 odd minutes I made the comment "I'm not expecting any outcome from this appointment, no hormones, but how soon until I could start" and his response almost stunned me.

"There's no reason we can't start your treatment today, and I'd be happy to prescribe you hormone replacements"

OMG!!!! Was he freakin' kidding me!!!!!

So all lady like, I stayed composed and we discussed the various HRT's and effects to expect, possible side effects etc. What he also said was "We aren't here to assess whether or not you should be having HRT, is ours to assess whether or not you are healthy on a medical level, which from your blood work, you are. So it's up to you" .... "So you are just the numbers people".... "Exactly"

After the rest of the questions, blood work to get in 2 weeks, a week before my follow up appointment, and if no issues become apparent by then, I will get slightly heavier dosages, my GP will be the one who will most likely monitor my medical needs going forward. I wouldn't be spending much time at the clinic. I left with 3 bits of paper, 2 for bloods and one prescription form. One small bit of paper. But such a massive life changing piece.

Wholly shit!!! This one bit of paper is the most powerful object that will be part of my life and shape the rest of my existence here in this life. This non descript prescription form is it. The one thing that will change my world forever and help me be who I supposed to be. Such a small thing can reshape so much.

So please, anyone reading this and is heading towards a goal like this, the better prepared you can be, the better the outcomes you'll get. Take ownership of your destiny and take charge of the outcome you want. I have never been any good at directing my life, and now I am learning. This is a small part of my life I have been proactive with, but it is by far the biggest.

Enough of that philosophical stuff. That is way too profound. I got changed to work clothes and heading to work, spinning and in a bit of a daze. I am going to be useless at work today, that much is a give in. I stumbled about not really achieving a lot at work, but still doing somethings, working out how to get to the pharmacy. At lunch I went and exchanged my piece of paper and got something even more exciting. A small bag with a box and a small container. Here they are, in my hands, right now. So do I take them now, or do I do something big. Should I just down the hatch or dress up and do the whole wine and dine thing by myself and a ceremony..

I made it to about 2:30pm and I ended up taking my first 2 pills. So here's what my life and body altering pills look like. 90 of each. 3 months worth until my follow up appointment.

I totally forgot about mentioning what else I did earlier this week. I came out to my life long best friend on Monday night. He was awesome and is awesome. Heaps of questions, and the relief I felt was immediate. So today after my appointment and I was floating with my little bit of paper, I wondered who to tell first. I looked at my phone and his name jumped out at me. I'm so glad we talked on Monday.

I also did a couple of really dumb things. I made a Facebook page for Serah and friended her with my normal one. So just how many people got a recommended friend/people you may know suggestion, I have no idea. Serah's account did have a friend request from the ex-wife in Canada, which has lead to the admitting to her and opened up some dialogue on that front. It has been years since we really talked, and funny how she has kinda come back into my world at this time. I really do miss having her 4 girls in my world. Probably one of my life's biggest regrets is hurting them and pushing them away from me. I doubt I'd ever be able to repair the damage I caused, but I am happy they are all healthy and doing well in their own lives. Maybe I have a chance with them as Serah, I know the male me doesn't.

It has also got me reflecting on my last relationship, and I can see how I pretended I was happy, how I ignored the realities and just hid from. But that is a story for another time.

So thank you for reading this post, on this big day for me!

Hugs and kisses,

Serah X X X