Upcoming Endocrinologist appointment

This coming Thursday, I have my first endocrinologist appointment and I'm somewhat nervous. I have spoken to some of my new transgender friends and their experiences. What seems to be the most common experience is disappointment. It seems everyone goes in with high expectations, like this will be the first part of real transformation, the ability to come out with a little something and begin real change, only to be left underwhelmed and even disillusioned, maybe even the crushing emotion of rejection.

When I first asked someone about their appointment we got into a full on question and answer time. Some of the answers I got were a little confusing for me, like the advice they were given wasn't that great in preparation and were set up for failure. Their psychologist, who they speak really highly of and is supposed to be an expert in the field of transgender issues. This girl (A) had just had her appointment 5 days earlier and the emotions from this consultation was still quite raw. I asked how the appointment went and I kind of opened up a can of emotional worms, but I'm glad I did, as I gathered information leading up to my own appointment.

First A asked who I was seeing, and said he was rubbish. That's who she saw on Monday, and he told her to get a referral from a psychologist. A told me she had been seeing one for over a year now, a transgender themselves who were maybe the only post op transgender psych in NZ. This confused me on 2 levels. Why did her psych send her to the endo without a referral in the first place, and how can a post op transgender not know what type first consult to expect, and prepare A for. A also said that he didn't even take any bloods. Again, this confused me. Why would they?

So to put things into a little bit of perspective, I had employed a psychiatrist very early this year when

I was really struggling with loneliness, depression, cross dressing and general confusion about who I was/am. I found this psychiatrist by doing some research and general common sense I feel. I did a google search and looked for a psych in my area who deals with depression, anxiety and gender issues. There were 2 that came up that were listed on a global database, so they had invested time and resources to specialize in their chosen field. I looked at their websites, and chose one and booked an initial appointment. I didn't know what was causing the depression and if they cross dressing was feeding the depression and isolation, or the reverse. After my initial consult, this was definitely someone I felt I could work with and vice versa, we decided to have 2 weekly appointments. A few months later, my reality and clarity came to me.

I have gender dysphoria. I am transgendered.

Now past that, they were a resource for me for advice on how to continue, to get blood work, to work on a letter together for the endocrinologist.

One referral by a mental health professional. CHECK.

I went to my GP, and she was one of the very first people I came out to that I have gender dysphoria. This was really hard for me since she has known me for years and I hadn't really told anyone yet. The reason I did that was that she had been treating me for depression for number of years and I had a check in to do. She asked if I wanted to transform myself and after stammering around with my answer, I gave her a yes. We then started with getting an appointment scheduled for the endo (this one coming up in 4 days) and got some baseline bloods done. My own thought process was that there was no point in trying to do any transforming if my body was sick and I would have to address those issues before I could.

Blood work done. CHECK.

One referral by a medical professional. CHECK.

So why would a profession send someone who is already fragile by their plight with their gender identity issues, into an environment without the resources for success? What it also confirmed to me, I have the right people helping me.I had another session with my psych on Thursday just gone, 1 week prior to my endo appointment, and we chatted about how to get a successful outcome, what to expect from the 30 minute consultation and also how to go in there and take some control instead of waiting for their opinion and advice. I am expecting, as I do with every interview based scenario now, is taking in the attitude, is this the right person or facility for me to progress forward and can help me achieve my goals in my life. I also use it for job interviews, coaching, sport etc (when I was still doing sport). So I have a plan.

After the introduction pleasantries, I will be saying what my goal is for the consultation and what I would like to have as an outcome for the visit. I will ask about what drugs are potentially prescribed and what do each of them do, positive and negative etc. I will listen, and I will ask. I don't need to sell my reasons, I have already decided I want to change, now it is up to the medical faculty to assist in helping me progress. I also have work that day so unless I take the day off work, dressing as I am in a dress and hair etc is not really practical as I currently choosing to present as a male for my day to day world.

The real decision for me is am I ready to make changes that are not fully reversible? I have had it explained that there are 3 parts or stages for transforming. Fully reversible, semi reversible and irreversible. I am currently in the fully reversible stage. I wear women's clothing fairly much everyday, I have a couple of wigs, make, shoes, underwear. I go out to safe places dressed as a woman now, and I feel happier doing so. I am coming to a crossroads and I also need to find out what a recommended pathway is. There is information out there, but it does not feel concise. Maybe I am just happy doing my own thing without reading every little bit. Too much differing information is more confusing than no information. So wish me luck for Thursday and I'll update after I've been.

Thanks for reading, as always.

Serah X X