My everyday at the moment
My everyday involves me lying to the world, and more so, lying to myself, ever since I learnt my truth. I wake up, I look at my clothes for the day, and with a heavy heart, I put them on. I leave the clothes I would like to wear lay aside waiting for the end of the day. Everyday I hate that I have to hide away until the end of the work day, keep who I am from the world. How long can I continue to be one person throughout the day, and another once work finishes? I spend my days working and interacting as
how the world knows me, a male, and as soon as I can, I change clothes and spend my nights as Serah. Currently living alone makes it fairly easy to do this, but I still haven't been out in public yet.
This week I have been following up my appointment to the endocrinologist to find out when it is. This has got me thinking a lot about the treatments and what to ask for. How fast would I like to transition? How quickly would things happen? How soon would I need to make changes in my life to compensate for those changes? What impact will it have on my day to day? At what stage will it become so obvious that I will have to either have to come clean to my work family, and how will that impact on my life? I have to really think about how I will earn money going forward. How much is this going to cost me and how will I earn money if my current job is going to disappear and I have to find another way to earn money. It does worry me how the people at work will react and interact when I tell them, and will my job survive the fallout.
Other than the mixed emotions of living a duel life, I am finding that I am more at peace with my day to day since I know where all my turmoil came from. The dysphoria that created confusion and frustration is now part of my consciousness. I accept it, embrace it, and making plans to display it. I have to be patient as I wait for my appointments and consultations. I would love to be able to see 5-6 years into the future, and have that me tell the present me how things will happen. All I can do is imagine, and hope. One day the dual identity will end.
