My path forward

I've been thinking over and over things, playing out scenario after scenario in my head. Constantly exploring different paths for my future, the easier way, the harder way, the painful way. The more I think about every possible outcome, the more the repercussions of each decision come to mind.

Most of these possible pathways start here and now. So my now involves in my acceptance of who I am on the inside, and making decisions on who I want to present on the outside and to the world. I practice in the privacy of the my own space, painting and shaping my nails, looking more at my skin care regime, practicing my make up, walking in heels etc. These things I can do without the fear of being judged at the moment, at home and in the closet for now. All this is leading up to my first night out dressed up. I am starting to imagine that night, 2 1/2 weeks away. What dress I will wear, what will the weather be like, will I need a jacket, how will I do my hair, how will those around me react to me, will my friend group be there for me, will I be accepted, or will I be rejected? Who will interact with me and who will distance themselves from me? So many questions, so many outcomes.

As part of my psychiatrist appointments I have started writing letters. Letters for my life long close friends, my family, my brother who died a couple of years ago. When I see them at the moment, I feel like I'm bursting to let out all the information I have stored inside, but I need to do it in a way when I am ready, I can control the flow of information, the direction the conversation will go. I am scared I will lose some, I know I will confuse all, but I hope they will all help me along my journey.

My GP has got me an appointment with the endocrinologist, and I am thinking long and hard about what I want out of the initial consultation. Some days I want to get my transformation moving rapidly and request hormone replacement therapy, other days I feel that suppression the testosterone development in my body is all I want. I weigh up both options and think the slower pathway will be the best, it will give me the time to save money, establish myself somewhat with some type of security before I reveal myself to my immediate world, and put everything I have at risk. This is probably what I fear the most. That I will lose everything, I lose the ability to earn the same money as I am currently earning, to be able to make a financial plan going forward to get all the necessary mental and physical treatments that are in my future. If I am rejected as I transition, what kind of work will I able a get, how much will I earn, and will I be happier with a more appropriate job that is more accepting of the real me?