top of page

What do I think about nowdays?


So I am sitting on my bed and listening to music and have the laptop open. I guess this is as good of a place as any to voice my inner most fears as I try to look forward and where I'm heading in my short term future. Trying to make some sort of sense in the haze that is my headspace.

I'm living in a temporary place, kind of in limbo while I wait until August to move in with one of my biggest supporters once they have come back from Europe. The waiting is hard as I feel lost somewhat, not being in a space I can call my own. This place I am staying was supposed to be a couple of weeks and I feel I am overstaying at, like I'm outstaying my welcome and the generosity shown to me. It was a great offer to help me out of the last place I was in. The next place will be my 4th in 16 months. I'm so tired of moving. So housing is stressing me out. I cannot commit to anything other than a week to week rental situation, so that does hamstring me a bit. Also if I move in somewhere, I also feel I will go backward as Serah. How will anyone accept me, will I be forced to hide Serah away, will that also trigger my depression as I probably will not be able to express who I really am. That scares me, so doing nothing feels safer, freer.

Another big thing I think about is the money side of things. This change will be expensive and I haven't got much as far as savings under my belt. I put all my money into the house I shared with my last partner, but that ended up being me funding someone else's financial gain. Now I am trying to clean up the debt I have accumulated and attempting to save. Those 2 don't really work well together, so clearing debt is the priority. But my real fear is after I begin hormone treatment. Will I still be able to do the job I am in? Will I be accepted here at work for who I will become? Will the clients involved through my job accept me? Will it be fair on my employers and their business if I play the human rights card and force them to keep me here? How long can I stay here before my physical appearance gets to a point that hiding Serah becomes impossible? How long can I keep this level of income for? Can I get the same money as Serah and do a different job? Will I get discriminated and have meaningless employment, with a low income?

On a similar note, how much of this can be within the public medical system, and how much has to be done privately? A few weeks ago I told my GP, and luckily my doctor seems very sympathetic to me and my scenario. I have a referral to the endocrinologist, so waiting to hear when that is scheduled. I guess then things start to become real from then. So far it's all about preparations, getting ready to make changes, setting up networks, support systems, reinforcing the reasons why this is what's best for me, the contemplation stage. This is the stage I am working over and over in my head. I have written my reasons down, and when I have doubts, I read my reasons for, reinforce the reasons why it's the best reason and solution for me. Those are my safeguard, my backstop when doubt begins to creep in. I continue to add to that list, it's an organic list, ever evolving, just like life, ever evolving...

Until the next post, thanks for reading.

X X


Blog Categories
Featured Posts
Recent Posts
Archive
Follow Me
  • Facebook - Grey Circle
  • Instagram - Grey Circle
  • Twitter - Grey Circle
  • Google+ - Grey Circle
bottom of page