How did I come to realise I have gender dysphoria?

I didn't know early in my life I had gender identity issues, in fact I didn't know until well after I had become a fully developed man. As I write this, I am 42 years old, and only recently been able to accept the one lingering fact about myself that has caused me so much destress throughout my life. I was born a female with male sex organs.

I watch documentaries and other media about transgender people of all ages, and I can't help but envy those that display their gender dysphoria and know it, at such a young age. Times are different now than they were some 35 years ago when I was 7, awareness is more prevalent, having gender dysphoria is not seen as something that can be cured, it's is something real and gaining traction, but it is still something that carries a lot of prejudice and not much understanding.

I am not a doctor and nor do I play a doctor on a TV show. This is my opinion, my story, my reality. So let's go back a bit and look at how I became aware that I actually do have gender dysphoria (not my long past, that will be more than one blog post for sure)

A little over a year ago, my 11 year relationship broke up. Everyday ended up being a battle, highly volatile, and caused my anxiety to skyrocket. It got to a point the only way for things to change was for me to leave. Even knowing that, it still took me time to action it. Once I finally made the move and left, my anxiety dropped, the fear of conflict diminished significantly. The relief was immediate and even though I knew I was in a better place for my own mental health, it was not without it's own problems. As I began to work through the separation, the transferred anger at me, the financial stuff, and begin to live alone again, my depression began to creep up on me. There were days that I would stay in the apartment, curtains drawn, in bed, not living, just being. I was constantly feeling alone.

Then one of my closest friends since my teens came back into my life, gave me a bit of a kick in the ass, dragged me out with him and we started going out drinking and chatting. He began showing me how to start to live again. Since we were/are adults, we had adult things to do and our paths crossed every couple of weeks. He tried to force me to get onto Tinder, meet people, talk to women, just get out there. Being reasonably shy and without much confidence, I resisted this, then I slowly started to chat to a couple of women on Tinder, then set up a coffee, then another. My mindset and activity on Tinder would fluctuate, as would my depression. I happened to meet a couple of women who have become good friends through this time. But I also I knew I was depressed but I couldn't figure out why and wasn't that great on working through it.

Then everything started getting really hard for me. The money from the house and car sale didn't come, my lawyers weren't having any success and I got shafted by my ex with all the financial security I thought I had. I didn't have any savings to fight back. I lost everything financially with the separation. My ex and her lawyer banked on the fact I didn't like to fight for what was rightfully mine and knew I couldn't afford to fight hard. They called my bluff and that really took a toll on me. I had to move, I made desperate choices, and I got more and more depressed. I did however get a friendly hand out of the dark from one of my new friends.

She was great for me when I needed help and became a really good friend. One night we ended up sleeping together and that started making me feel so much better about myself. She however, was not wanting a relationship. She wanted a friends with benefits relationship, something I had never had in the past. Through her, she opened my eyes up to polyamorous relationships, and some kink. We had a great run and I had more than one sexual partner. Now this is where my closet past come in.

Through these sexual partners, I was asked to crossdress, something I had done only in private before, and not around anyone else. Now my crossdressing was coming from a place where I was happy, excited, feeling great about myself, not when I was alone, unhappy, confused, curious. I started to buy makeup, underwear, clothes and again in private, I began wearing them more and more. I again started to distance myself from people and once again became depressed. Towards the end of January I began writing my thoughts, recalling memories, thinking. I wanted to understand, I wanted help and I chose to get help. I found a psychiatrist who specialises in depression, anxiety, transgender issues. I thought this person would be perfect for me as I began a journey on self discovery, this time by choice, by my doing, not being forced into something, and totally open and willing to accept the truth, not doing something I was told to do, forced into. I was open and ready to face the truth, my truth. Who am I?

Throughout the sessions, I continued to write, to analyse my past, my thinking, my likes and dislikes, what felt natural, what felt foreign, and my truth slowly began to emerge. It took me sometime to accept it, even though I kind of knew that I have gender dysphoria, that I am transgendered. I know now and I embrace this as fact. Since embracing the truth, I am more at peace, happier with who I am, I have direction in my life.

I will one day present to the world, the woman who has been repressed, hidden, protected from the world by my male alter ego. My transformation journey has begun, so please stay tuned and please drop me a message.

Thanks for reading

X X