How I want to be remembered [My own eulogy]

I have been fortunate to have been allowed to sit in with a few palliative care workshops through my volunteer work at a local hospice. Other conversations and presentations I have seen have given me lots to think about. Things like my long term health, my long term care, aged care plan and how I want to be remembered when my life comes to an end. I know that this is something most of us won't think about, let alone want to discuss openly. I lost my younger brother five years ago and through that experience I have gained a bit of personal insight upon reflection. My immediate family are not the best communicators, and I am very guilty of not communicating with them much, but am trying to be better at it. What would happen if I was suddenly severely ill or injured suddenly? What would happen if I was to die and how would I be remembered? Who's story would be told?

I spent the majority of my life so far living a male life, doing male things and it's fair to say, most people would remember me as I was. I had many adventures, experiences and relationships as a male. So it makes sense that most people speaking about my life would talk about their memories of me as that person, sharing those stories and experiences at this moment in time. Those memories and stories have shaped me to be this woman I am and growing into. My past is not to be ignored though, but embraced respectfully and not at the expense of my new reality. I am Serah, not Warren. Warren did not die though, he protected Serah until she was able to be able to be present in the world, standing on her own two feet. We are one, but we are also two different people. I love Warren but I also don't want to live in his shadow. He was my shield, my protector, my twin brother and my most trusted friend. Without him, I would not be here. When people talk about my life who would speak? Did they know just Warren, Warren and Serah, or just Serah? But more importantly, how do I want them to talk about my life. If I could attend my own funeral how would I like my eulogy to go?

"Today we gather to tell stories, remember and say goodbye to Serah. Serah wasn't always the person who we say goodbye to today. She wasn't always the bright and confident woman most of us remember. In fact her life was full of pain, distress, darkness with battles with her demons. Those demons she fought against in the early years of her life were anger issues, depression and anxieties. Those battles are not what we want to focus on, they are just one part of her story. Serah's story and life began, as she constantly reminded her parents, as a Christmas present in 1972. For those who have never heard her say this story, her birthday is exactly 9 months after Christmas Day. She used to tease her parents about this that one of them was too cheap to buy the other a Christmas present that year, so she became the present. She was born the middle of 3 children to R and P, between her brothers M and G and grew up in the mega metropolis of Upper Hutt. Her mother would tell of stories of how she would sleep with her eyes wide open freaking out visitors as a baby. Her mother would also say just how eager and helpful she was feeding her younger brother his bottle, often being caught drinking the bottle herself. No wonder she grew so tall!

"Serah was a very shy and quiet kid usually overshadowed by larger personalities around her. She was a fairly happy kid for the most part up in a sporting family, she played school aged rugby and cricket, ran around the neighbourhood with the other kids and having a particular liking to a bicycle. A happy little tom boy. She picked everything quite naturally. Being very coordinated and artistic, most things came quite naturally to her but she never found the one thing that she could totally dedicate herself into. As an adolescent, like her brothers, she took up golf. This terribly frustrating sport would bring out a number of things in her. Her perfectionism brought about her frustrations and a temper but the golf course was somewhere she had some peace from the turmoil that puberty brought to her. She hit that puberty period later than others in her 3rd year at high school. Those that have gotten to know her later in life, she describes this period of her life as her world going off kilter a couple of degrees. Confused and lost about what to do she drifted into adulthood, taking over the family home when her parents moved to Waikanae. For the next 2 1/2 years, this became a bit of a student flat situation. Many Fridays and Saturdays were spent drinking and partying with the boys being an early 20 year old. Serah often mentioned she was lost amongst the friends she had, but also never let anyone extremely close to her, she was lost and searched for someone who she felt she could have a life with.

"Serah was never one to fully divulge her plans to anyone and did things very much alone, often describing herself as the black sheep of the family. This turmoil lead her to a decision to leave New Zealand at the very beginning of 2000 and left everything behind to marry Kristy, and a parent to Kaileigh, Alexandra, Taylor-Anne and Summer. She finally confessed to her mother 2 months after she got married over the phone but lied about the date of the wedding by 2 months. Having visa issues in Canada, she came home arriving 1 day before her nephew Daniel was born. 6 months later, her wife and 4 step daughters came New Zealand to live in Waikanae with her. During their stay, Serah's 2 niece's were born, Sara and Georgia. The Canadian contingent went back to Canada mid 2003 and the next 18 months changed Serah's world substantially.

"Being very overweight and hiding away isolated in a depressed state, she came to the realisation that she needed to change her life significantly. She bought a bike and that one purchase managed to overhaul her life. Over the next 12 months she lost 50 kgs, she cycled everywhere, started running and swimming onwards to her goal of completing an Ironman Triathlon. Triathlon dominated her life for the next 11 years and influencing her experiences and relationship. She met Jane and Alexandra. They shared many trips to events and traveled to places like Hawaii, Noosa, Vancouver, Los Angeles, London, Budapest, the Gold Coast and throughout New Zealand for the sport representing New Zealand as an age group representative. She also managed to complete 4 Ironman NZ herself and giving back by coaching athletes towards the end of that period of time. In 2013 she had to say goodbye to her younger brother and this loss was very hard for her for quite a period of time. This difficult time brought other people closer into her life, like her sister-in-law, Desiree and her family. Serah helped Jane raise Alex and saw her off to university before the separated in early 2015. After Jane and Serah broke up, the Christmas and New Year period of 2015 and '16 is where her life changed forever.

"For everyone who only knew Serah after this point, you never knew this early version we have spoken of. She never was able to ever really be happy as Serah was trapped in the form of Warren. Serah speaks very fondly of her time as Warren and loved him right up until her end. He was her protector, her shield, her twin. Once Serah came out to everyone, she was definitely a brighter person, a calmer person, a woman who had far less demons that she struggled with. She took a couple of years for her wings to fully grow while she learnt to fly, and I know everyone here were blessed to have known her. Some of us here never saw the 2 versions of Serah and never saw the just how different these 2 people were. Some things about her never changed however like how much she loved everyone who came into her life and how much she wanted to help people. She always talked about every child she had any part in helping parent with great love.

"Serah was a very special woman who lit up a room when she walked into it. Her sarcastic sense of humour was an acquired taste and if you got it, she was really funny and quick witted. Her gentle and warm nature made people gravitate to her. Her life took a massive shift in 2018 where she faced her past, attended her school reunion and . While she struggled with her depression, anxieties and body dysmorphia, she took her time and in September 2018 she unfurled her wings grew and evolved into a stunning woman who did some amazing writing starting with her blog and evolving to a series of ............. and eventually went onto ........ Many here today only knew this version of Serah. This beautiful and intelligent woman who gave so much of herself to others. She challenged some of the old schools of thought, pathed the way for the next generation to have it better than her generation. Always striving to "be the hero she wish she had when she was younger". To some, she is an inspiration, a trail-blazer, definitely a brave woman, even that hero she aimed to be. To me, she is just a woman I loved. A woman I will dearly miss and a woman I will remember everyday. There was only one Serah Charlotte Sutherland. There will never be another. Rest now Serah. And until we meet again. Just as you always told everyone, Stay Beautiful and Be Amazing!"

(I want to reassure everyone that I am healthy and I do not plan on anything drastic happening in my life. I am happy, I have peace and I am looking forward to the future. This eulogy is not because I am sick, it is about how I want people to see my life's story